Another Binge

I started the day with chocolate cafe au lait again, for those who asked a cafe au lait is half coffee and half hot milk and I just add whatever flavoring I like. For the chocolate ones, I have been using TJ’s sipping chocolate which is much richer and less sweet than regular hot chocolate. Breakfast ended up taking much longer than I thought so I had a couple of hard boiled eggs to hold me over.

My official breakfast was bulgur porridge made with milk and a dash of salt. I topped it off with a sprinkle of cinnamon and half of a banana. I didn’t like this as much as I had thought I would, I think I like bulgur in savory dishes much better.

For a mid morning snack,  I had this little tangerine. Citrus fruit is really the only reason I like winter at all 🙂

For lunch, I was trying to use up some leftovers so I had a piece of roasted chicken and some corn chowder. The corn chowder was NASTY so I only had a couple of bites.

It went pretty downhill from there. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to try to “legalize” nutella, which in the intuitive eating world means to get rid of the “good” food and “bad” food mentality by making all foods legal. One of the ways to do this is to stock up on the foods that you consider bad and continue to remind yourself that you can have that food anytime you want. Well, for me, nutella has been the food that time after time, I end up binging anyway. And it happened again yesterday.

All weekend long, I had been thinking about Thanksgiving and how I needed to do my best to stay on track so that I could enjoy Thanksgiving without guilt. I developed a fever yesterday afternoon and was feeling pretty crappy. In my mind, I wanted a piece of bread with a nutella smear on it. Well, since I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t feel like heating up any of my frozen bread so I hit the jar of nutella with a spoon instead. I grabbed a bag of crackers and plopped down on the couch. I had a couple of the crackers with the nutella and eventually put the crackers down and just ate right out of the jar with the spoon. I polished off about 2/3 of the jar before all of the sugar caught up with me.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch and when I woke up, I felt terrible guilt about what happened. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. First and foremost, who can I give all of this nutella to, I still have three unopened jars. Secondly, what would have happened had I just pulled a roll out of the freezer, heated it up and had it with a little nutella smear, would I have been able to stop? Another thought was about how this binge wasn’t like any of the others. Yes, I did sit there very aware of the fact that I “shouldn’t” be eating the jar of nutella but it wasn’t fast and furious as they typically are. I wonder if I was feeling deprived because I kept thinking about Thanksgiving and how weight watchers allows for any foods but not in unlimited quantities. This binge was so different than any other, I really wonder why.

My excessive nutella intake caused me to not get hungry for dinner until very late. I had been cooking pinto beans all day in order to make bean burritos for dinner. So, when I felt even the slightest bit of hunger, we ate dinner. I had the beans that I turned into re-fried beans wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla topped with a sprinkle of cheese and salsa. I ended up not eating very much of it because I was only mildlyhungry when I started. I also had a huge glass of grape juice in hopes that it would fight off my fever, yet another anti  weight watchers maneuver. 

Thought Provoker: Do you binge? What are your triggers?

Finaly Relax Time!

I slept in until 7 am yesterday, it was nice and I know my body really needed the rest.  Once I got up, I made myself a chocolate cafe au lait with TJ’s sipping chocolate. This was my best cafe au lait yet, the sipping chocolate is only mildly sweet and has a rich dark chocolate flavor. Mixed with milk and coffee and you have yourself a lovely morning treat.

For breakfast, I was craving grits and eggs because I had been talking with my friend Brandi about them for the past couple of weeks. I ended up over cooking the eggs but they still tasted great. My mom used to make grits and eggs for us and then we would chop the eggs up and mix it all together. It looks disgusting but it tastes oh so good, this photo is before the chopping action :). To get a little fruit into my day, I had a tangerine on the side.

For lunch, I made whole wheat couscous with Dr. Prager’s California veggie burger and TJ’s mango salsa. This was so good, I added a little extra chili sauce into the salsa to give it an extra kick.

My lunch was pretty light on protein so I actually got hungry again pretty quickly. The dear husband and I were out and about so I settled on a latte from Starbucks. I left my camera at home but I think you guys know what they look like 🙂 The latte still didn’t do the trick and I found myself having a major craving for ham! It was an odd craving but I went with it. We still had to do the grocery shopping so I picked a ham for Thanksgiving and a ham for us.

Once I got home, I made an easy dinner. I heated up the ham, made sweet potato half moons and steamed asparagus. I spiced the sweet potatoes with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, chili powder and a sprinkle of cumin. For the asparagus, I just drizzled it with a bit of olive oil once it was done. It was a nice this pre-Thanksgiving meal.

A little after dinner, we decided to watch Baby Mama, it was OK in that stupid funny kind of way. While we watched, we munched on some popcorn. Then later for dessert, I had a vitamuffin.

Thought Provoker: Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving? Do you have plans to cook, travel or both? I have plans to do both. We will be heading down to NC on Wednesday after work. I am planning to pack lots of foods to take with us to keep me on track though. I am cooking the ham and a dessert for Thanksgiving and really look forward to seeing all of my family.

Where Have I Been?

Hello all! Sorry I haven’t posted in a couple of days, I just haven’t been feeling very well at all and have had to work so I have been focusing my attention there. I made an appointment with a specialist about my sinus problems and I can’t take any allergy/sinus meds until the appointment so my sinus infection and allergies are in full force. I have been using my neti pot which helps but I am so ready to be over this!

Anyway, I was a good blogger and I photographed my food yesterday, so here it goes.

On my way to work, I had a cinnamon cafe au lait and then once I made it there, I had a banana. The Pro Shop was having issues with their drawer so that was the first thing on my docket and a bowl of cereal just doesn’t go well with that.

Once I had the Pro Shop all sorted out, I went back to my office and had a bowl of shredded wheat with warmed milk. I think I liked it with the warm milk, it shredded wheat kind of separated and took on a softer texture.

I had a hard boiled egg on the side for a little protein.

All of my morning snacks and breakfast held me over for a really long time. I wasn’t ready for lunch until 12:30! I had a bowl of 16 bean soup

and a chocolate pudding cup.

I had a snack just before leaving of greek yogurt with thawed frozen raspberries and honey. I forgot to take a picture of it because I was in a hurry to leave. I had to go to Trader Joes after work to stock up on yogurt and cereals. They didn’t have any 0% yogurt that didn’t expire in a couple of days so I bought the European kind and plan to strain it myself.

Once I got home, the dear husband built a fire in the woodstove and I made dinner. I made Texas Trail Macaroni which is a yummy pasta dish that you can find on Heather’s site. It is one of my favorite fall/winter dishes. I topped it off with a little crumbled cheese and greek yogurt.

On the side, I made kale chips. I think I am over kale chips for the time being, I have been making them too much lately.

For dessert, I had a small bowl of cocoa pebbles with milk. We watched about 4 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy Season 2 and then I went to bed. I have been so tired, I hope that I will be feeling well again soon.

Thought Provoker: What are you favorite winter time comfort foods?

Blog Awards and Side Effects

First off, I want to thank Foodie and Olga for giving me a blog award, that was so kind of both you! It always makes me feel good when people appreciate my blog. I often struggle to write what I really feel in fear of what my readers will think but you guys always honor me with your support. So, instead of picking 5 more blogs, I would just like to give a shout out to all my commenters and lurkers and let you all know that I think each and everyone of you deserve and award for being so supportive of me and my sporadic craziness.

Now, onto yesterday. I have to be upfront and honest when I say that the last few days have been a real struggle for me. The medication I am on for my most recent sinus infection along with being back on weight watchers is throwing me for a loop. I’m suffering a number of side effects from the medication including insomnia, fatigue, mild depression, extreme thirst and weird skin stuff. My doc says it is all normal and that I need to just keep chugging along with it. I have one more week of it to go and I’m not excited about my state of mind when it is over. On top of that, I am struggling every day to stay on track with weight watchers, it seems by the end of the day, I just want to give up. I’m not sure if this is part of the medicine side effects or if this is just how I roll.

I haven’t been straying from my plan or “blowing it” but the thoughts are there. This really scares me because I feel so certain that this time will be different. I want to change so much about the way that I think about food and my relationship with my body. I know that I will stumble and sometimes I might even fall but knowing to just keep going anyway is the hard part. I hope that all of these feeling of distress are just symptoms of this medication but I fear so much that I just don’t have what it takes. 😦

And, with all of that, this is how yesterday went. The alarm went off at 4:30, I said nope and went back to sleep. I finally got up and made it to work with a few minutes to spare. On my way, I had a chocolate cafe au lait to tide me over. Once there and settled, I had shredded wheat with cinnamon and milk along with a hard boiled egg. This was a very satisfying breakfast.

In fact, it kept me going until 12:30! My normal lunch time is 11 so this was something. I wonder if it has to do with the egg versus the almonds?? Anyway, for lunch I heated up a bowl of 16 bean soup which tastes better every time I eat it.

The soup was rather spicy so I had a package of figamagigs for dessert. Mmmm…boy, I really love these things. It is a REALLY good thing they come in tiny packages.

Because lunch was so late, I wasn’t hungry enough for a snack so I just had dinner. I made a chicken pot pie with a polenta crust. This was my first time making it with a polenta crust and I have to say I really liked it. I want to play around with the filling part of the recipe that I used but I can tell that this will be a winter and fall favorite at my house.

I had a bowl of cocoa pebbles for dessert. I didn’t photograph it because you guys have seen it for so many days now, I figured you get the picture 🙂 I headed to bed early in hopes of getting a better night sleep which did not happen, by the way. Boo on meds.

Thought Provoker: What is your motto for staying on track with healthy eating and exercise?

Only The Lonely

I woke up too late to face the treadmill yesterday morning, the meds my doc has me on is causing some sleeping issues 😦 Instead, I headed to work with my chocolate cafe au lait in tow only to find that I would be there alone. It was kind of creepy actually. I work in the clubhouse which is 24,000 square feet of dark wood paneled space. Though I do get to work early, I am never the only one there and I must say, it is pretty freaky with no lights on. I’m glad it isn’t a daily occurrence! Once all the lights were on and I was settled in, I had my breakfast. A bowl of shredded wheat with cinnamon and almonds topped with milk. I really wanted oatmeal but failed to make any on Sunday.

I was on my own for lunch so I decided to take advantage of it and head to the Whole Foods salad bar. I made a salad with mixed greens, a couple different bean and grain salads, two vegan dumplings and a hard boiled egg. This was my first time at the WF salad bar and honestly, I was disappointed. I had it geared up in my mind to be the mecca of salad bars when really, it was all very bland tasting. I wonder if they skip the salt?

I ended up not eating most of my lunch and munched on a bag of popcorn to get my flavor fix.

Just before it was time to go, I had some homemade greek yogurt with thawed frozen raspberries and a honey drizzle. O.M.G. It was so good! I can’t wait to eat it again!!

Dinner was a simple meal. I grilled a cajun spiced pork chop and served it with whole wheat couscous and green beans. It was really good and only took a few minutes to prepare, I love fast meals like that!

Thought Provoker: Is there a food that you have so worked up in your mind that you were disappointed when you actually ate it?

Grey’s Sunday

I started out the day yesterday with a chocolate cafe au lait followed by breakfast once the dear husband woke up. I made wafflewiches with whole wheat waffles topped scrambled eggs and egg whites. I also had a tangerine on the side. I must say, this breakfast was v. disappointing. It wasn’t filling and the waffles were not that great. I have never been a fan of frozen waffles but I see them so much in blog land that I thought I would give them a try again. Now I remember why I don’t like them.

After all of our housework was done, we had lunch. I had falafel on whole wheat pita with a yogurt sauce that I made with cilantro, garlic and greek yogurt. I also had half of a small apple while I prepared it all. The falafel came from costco and for falafel that I didn’t have to make myself, it is really good!

After lunch, the glutton fest began. We watched about of the second season of Grey’s Anatomy and didn’t really do much else. I didn’t even stalk blogs (which I am VERY behind on reading/commenting) or my email all day! Needless to say, this show is a bit addicting. About mid afternoon, I did make us a batch of popcorn to tide us over until dinner. I made it in the air popper with canola oil and salt. There is no picture because…well…I was too lazy, I know, bad blogger!

For dinner, I made chicken and potatoes in the crockpot. It didn’t turn out that well and it all fell apart. It was actually pretty unappetizing so I didn’t photograph it and I barely ate any of it. I guess some things are good in theory but a whole chicken in the crockpot is not one of them. For dessert, I had a bowl of cocoa pebbles with milk. Even after all of this, I felt very unsatisfied with my food choices for the day. I sat there in stewed in it and made the decision that eating something else probably wouldn’t cure it so I just went to bed.

Thought Provoker: Do you have days that feel very unsatisfying food wise? What do you do to solve this problem?

Wiped Out

Yesterday, the dear husband ran the Richmond half marathon so we were up pretty early, he had to be at the starting line by 7:30. I sipped a chocolate cafe au lait while he prepared and once he was off, I had breakfast. In preparation for a hotel room with no fridge or microwave, I had packed a small cooler and a bag of food to help keep me on track. I had shredded wheat with cinnamon, almonds and milk.

After breakfast, I packed up the hotel room and walked down to the finish line. I was so excited to see him cross because last year when he did the 8k, no matter where I stood, I could not see the finish line because it seemed that Richmond had been invaded by tall people. This year, I could see him as clear as a bell and yelled as loud as I could. Moments later, we met at our meeting spot. We made out way back to the hotel so that he could shower off 13.1 miles of sweat. Once we were on the road, it took almost 1.5 hours to get out of downtown. I think I blew my horn more times yesterday than I ever have. It was very frustrating because we were trying to turn left onto a main road but the people on the main road kept running the red light and blocking the path. I sat through one stop light for 6 rounds, good times.

We had planned to stop by home before heading out for our errands but it was so late, we decided to just get them over with. First we stopped for lunch at Spinnaker’s, a local place on our side of town. I ordered the crab cake and steamed shrimp with a salsa baked potato. I also had a house salad with balsamic vinegairette.

After lunch, we did the rest of out errands and by the time we got home, we were both wiped out. My legs were very sore from all the walking, I can only imagine how the dear husband’s legs must have been feeling! For dinner, we opted for easy. I heated up a couple bowls of 16 bean soup I had made on Friday morning. I topped them both with a little olive oil and called it dinner.

For dessert, I had an oatmeal chocolate chip muffin and then headed to bed shortly after. I was so tired, I couldn’t even keep my eyes open to watch a little tv or read!

Thought Provoker: Do you make a food plan for out of town trips? What do you normally bring along with you? Planning for out of town trips is not my strong point but I am working on it. This time I did well, my next trip is Thanksgiving which will be a little better than this time because there will be a fridge and microwave in the room.

An Emotional Day

Well, I will tell you, the downside of getting up at 4:30 am for work is getting up at 4:30 when you don’t have to work! I woke up bright and early and finally was able to fall back asleep for another little while. Once I had my chocolate cafe au lait in hand, I sat at my computer and wasted a little time until I was ready to write my post for the day. I was really emotional for me to write it out but I felt like it was the right thing to do. I had never written about my brothers passing before and feel that it was really therapeutic. As the day progressed and I read all of your comments, it was even more so. I was able to let it out even more as I read the thoughtful and kind words. So, thanks to you guys for being so kind, I know this is supposed to be a food blog but for me, it is so much more than that.

Once I pulled myself together, I heated up a bowl of oatmeal that I made a couple of nights ago. I was made with 1/3 cup rolled oats, milk, mashed banana, a smidge of salt. Once it was done, I stirred in ground flax seed and cashew butter.

I had errands to run and a Doctor appointment so I headed out shortly after breakfast. The doc said I had yet another sinus infection and gave me a heavy duty antibiotic and a steroid shot. After a battle with my insurance company, I got my prescription settled and headed out to buy a pair of rain boots. The weather forecast for the dear husbands race was very rainy and with the number of blocks I would be walking, I wanted my feet to stay warm and dry. I wanted a cute pair with ducks or something but I could only find the heavy duty ones for the winter. I guess the cute ones probably come out in the spring. I finally settled on a pair and headed to lunch. I went to Panera and got my favorite, the tomato mozzarella sandwich and creamy tomato soup with no croutons. It was really good but I wasn’t able to finish the soup.

After lunch, I headed home to get packed up for our mini trip to Richmond. Though we only live 14 miles from downtown, we booked a hotel near the race to avoid the hectic traffic situation that we have faced year after year. Once we were packed and ready to go, we made out way downtown. The rain was just starting and I was glad I had on my new rain boots. Once we arrived at the hotel, I had a mini meltdown because I assumed there would be a parking deck but there was not. And though I am 32 years old, I do not know how to parallel park! I have never really been a city dweller so I’ve never really had to practice it. So, the dear husband ran into the hotel and advised them of my meltdown. A lady rushed out and parked the car for me! Then the valet came out to help us with our backs and to whisk the car away to a secret parking deck. Crisis averted. I think I need to pay my friend Sarah to teach my how to parallel park in order to avoid such situations in the future.

Once settled into the hotel, we hit the sidewalk to plan out the morning and how we would meet up once the race was over. We also had dinner at The Capital Ale House planned but walked about 40 blocks waiting for it to be 5pm. It was raining the whole time so by the time we arrived we were soaking wet for the rain and the sweat from walking so far. More than hungry, I think we were thirsty so we started off with big glasses of water. For dinner, I ordered fish n greens. The fish of the day was tilapia and I ordered it blackened. When it arrived the salad probably didn’t even equal a cup of salad so I asked for an additional salad on the side! I guess that is better than ordering an additional dessert!

After dinner, we walked the 10 blocks back to the hotel and then settled in for the night. Just before bed, my stomach was talking to me again so I had a bowl of cocoa pebbles I had packed in preparation. Cocoa pebbles remind of time spent with my grandma when I was a child and bring happy warm memories. She always gave me cocoa krispies bu when I was buying them, I noticed that the nutrition information on the pebbles was better than the krispies. The have less calories, less sugar and more fiber! I’m not claiming they are health food my any means but they sure are a nice treat!

Before hitting the hay, my dear friend Mara from I Made Dinner made my new header for me! Let me know what you think of it! Give her a shout out if you’d be interested in having a new header for your blog!

Thought Provoker: Do you have a favorite junk food cereal? Though my parents were not health conscious (AT ALL) they did not allow us the have sugary cereals because they were more expensive than the plain ones.  I only got junky cereals as a treat every once in a while when I was away from home.

Do It Anyway

At 4:30 AM yesterday, the alarm went off and I groaned. Oh, I really did not want to get up to workout. I talked myself into by telling myself that, for me, skipping a planned workout day always leads to skipping three weeks of workouts. I knew that I didn’t want that, so, I got up and did it anyway! One hour on the treadmill later, I was done with my workout and glad that I did.

On the way to work, I had a chocolate cafe au lait and had breakfast once I got settled in. I had shredded wheat with almonds and milk. I had planned an apple but the cereal did a good job of making me satisfied so I skipped it.

For lunch I had this little salad from the staff lunch with oil and vinegar dressing and leftover skillet lasagna. The dressing on the salad was so good! I really would like to know everything that was in it so I could make something similar at home.

Around go time, I had greek yogurt with thawed frozen cherries and walnuts. This snack had tons of holding power and got me through the rest of the afternoon and my therapy session.

Therapy was good. We first discussed my feelings about last week’s session. She said that she could tell that I was feeling very misunderstood which was true. Misunderstood is a feeling I feel very often. I feel like I am often back peddling and explaining myself even when I haven’t done anything “wrong”. After that, we talked about my joining WW again. We got into a lengthy discussion about how I plan for this time to be different. We talked about my binging and my “I don’t care” (the days that I eat without regard to my health) days. We talked about why I always quit.

The whole discussion was enlightening. I realized that my binging comes from emotional triggers rather than dieting and that my “I don’t care” days come from feelings of deprivation. This realization is big progress for me and my mind set. Mainly because it will help me in the future to pick myself up and keep trudging along. I realize now that we all have our struggles and that we all have days that the pizza sounds better than the size of our pants. But the key is to move on from it instead of letting it turn into an all out food festival.

 I also realize that moderation is a big issue for me and that this time, I will incorporate the foods that I love to eat. I will enjoy treats or even treat days but instead of turning it into days and days of not eating healthy, I will move on and keep going with my plan. I also am accepting up front that I will make mistakes and that instead of beating myself up, I need to learn from them. And better still, I hope that this process will one day be an intuitive one. Until then, I need to learn my boundaries and get rid of my fat suit. I hope to one day stop using food as love and instead, I will express my thoughts, fear and deepest emotions.

My great therapy session led me into feeling good about dinner. When I got home, the dear husband had made a frozen pizza and steamed broccoli, his specialty 🙂 The pizza was the Mediterranean Vegetable from Target and it was really good, it had cheese, spinach, sun dried tomatoes.

Dessert was a vitamuffin with chocolate and peanut butter chips, mmmmmm.

Thought Provoker: Does your black and white thinking get in the way of a healthy relationship with food?

Tagged x 2

I woke up at 4:30 (!!) yesterday to get in an hour on the treadmill before work. To be honest, 4:30 really isn’t any harder than 5:00 because I have gotten used to going to bed early enough that I still get my 7-9 hours of sleep. I feel so accomplished when I get up and workout before work, it makes me feel all smug and happy 🙂

On my way to work, I had a cafe au lait and then had breakfast once I got there. I had rolled oats made with milk, chopped apple, a dash of salt, cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger. Once I reheated it, I added a PB spoon on the side. I ended up only eating half of what I brought, I guess as far as oats are concerned my body is pretty used to 1/4 to 1/3 cup instead of 1/2, I will make less next time!

For lunch, I had whole wheat couscous topped with black beans and salsa. I need more lunches like this, it took me all of 5 minutes to throw this together and it was awesome, so ideas like this are much appreciated!

Just before leaving work, I had greek yogurt topped with thawed frozen cherries and some NUTrition heart healthy nut mix. This was a very filling snack and made dinner time prep much easier because I wasn’t starving for it.

For dinner, I made skillet lasagna and kale chips, this is one of those recipes that reminds me of childhood (the good times). I’m embarrassed to say that it reminds me because hamburger helper was a staple in my house and this is a more grown up version of it.

In the past few days, I have been tagged by Krista and Mara to tell 7 unknown things about myself. So, here they are:

1. I only paint my toe nails during the summer and sometimes not even then. The reason is because I hate when it starts to look all junky but am typically just not into maintaining it, so, bare it is.

2. Speaking of nails, I have always had long, thick, healthy fingernails. My thumb has a ridge in it just like my grandma.

3. I am the oldest of 4 children and my parents were VERY young when I was born.

4. I was married before, my wonderful marriage to my dear husband is my second. I have no doubts that the SECOND time is a charm.

5. As a child, I twirled the baton for many, many years.

6. As a child, my family told me that I ate like a bird and that I needed to eat more. Ironic, don’t you think?

7. I collect Wheaton bottles. My Great Grandfather worked in the factory in Millville, NJ that made them in the 70’s. I have a few that have been passed down and many that I have collected over the years. My dear husband often gives them to me as gifts which touches my heart so.

I’m not tagging anyone else because it seems that everyone has been tagged at least once and if you haven’t been, consider this your tag!

Thought Provoker: What meals were popular in your house as a child? My mom was a crockpot queen.