My Brother’s Song

I hope that you will continue to read this post even after I tell you that it isn’t about food, exercise or yoga. Yesterday was the hardest day I have ever lived except the day that I found out my younger brother had passed. What started out as a blessing turned into a fight with ED. My brother came to me in a dream just before it was time for me to wake up. He was helping me with something, what, I no longer really remember. I woke up from the dream, looked at the clock and realized that if I skipped my am workout, I could maybe, just possibly have a few more moments with my brother.

For the next hour, I laid there, tossing and turning and not going back to a place that my brother is alive and well. I forced myself out of bed and went through the motions of my day. At work, I was ravaged with emotion. Work things were crazy as well as my heart was aching. I longed to talk to my mother, I knew she would understand. I emailed with my friends, I even reached out to my new group friends. I just wanted my pain to stop. I wanted ED to stop telling me that chocolate would fix it all, that stuffing it down would make it feel better.

After a painful and not very productive day, I left work and called my mom. I told her about the dream and she told me that she thinks it is good that we dream of him. With that, we tunred to our favorite subject, food. I guess it is just hard for us to talk about the most painful part of our life. Though, Ithink this converstation was a step in the right direction.

Moments after we hung up the phone, the song I refer to as “my brothers song” came on the radio. The name of the song is “I can only imagine” by Mercy Me and it was sang at my brothers funeral. I will never listen to that song without thinking of him and weeping. This time, I was sitting at a red light and I closed my eyes. The tears came gushing out. I was bawling, I didn’t regard the others sitting in traffic around me, I just cried. Then, it dawned on me that I had to drive, I had to be alert for the light to turn green. I just wanted to be in the parking lot of my destiation only few hundred feet  away.  I sang the lirics with all of my heart and finally, when my parking spot arrived, I closed my eyes and tears began to flow even more freely.

The song came to an end and I knew that my brother was with me. He wanted me to know that he stands by me and is proud of me and the steps that I am taking in my life. I walked into Ukrops to meet my dear husband feeling so overwhelmed by emotion that I had that floating feeling that means a binge is just around the corner. I approached the salad bar and the first thing I saw was banana pudding. It was my brother again, he was reminding me that he was there. I was repeating to my self over and over ED is knocking but I won’t let him in.

I filled a very large salad container with all the things I love but never “allow” myself to eat in larger quatities than a bite or two. I filled the whole container and I remember wondering what the cashier was thinking when I took all of that food up there. I sat down at a table and once the dear husband arrived, I started to eat. ED was knocking so loud and I finally let him in. I reminded myself that through this recovery process, sometimes I will still need ED. Leaning on ED doesn’t mean that I won’t one day heal from this. It doesn’t make me bad.

Once there was not more food to eat, I stopped. I felt stuffed to the gills. I wanted to vomit. Alas, I had to go to group therapy. I think the binge was the only thing that got me there, really. I’m glad I went because it was good to be in a room of people that understood what it feels like to be so overcome that food is the only answer.

I came home and listened to my brothers song and cried until there were no more tears to cry. I know he is in my heart and hopefully he will come back and visit me in my dreams again soon. Until then, I hope he knows I’m doing the best that I can and that I miss him so much.

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27 Responses

  1. ((Hugs)) I don’t have much to say except we are hear to listen!

  2. You know I love you, and am here no matter what!! (((hugs)))

  3. I’m sorry to hear you had such a rough day yesterday, but I think sharing it on your blog is one step toward feeling better about things. You really took the time to think deeply about why you did what you did, and I think that will help you most more than anything. Some people might be afraid to admit feelings like you shared here, which only holds them back from recovering from the issues in their life. I give you props for coming out and sharing – and with a great group who will support you no matter what.

  4. beadie, this post has stopped me in my tracks. Your writing is brilliant, I hope you know that. please re read this post over and over for yourself, for your own good. It is so beautifully written, so honest and raw, and will help so many woman in their struggles. I love how you have become more open and honest about the burdens you face: that is the answer to a true and everlasting recovery.
    God is with you today, and everyday. You are so strong, Beadie and we are all here for you.

  5. I’m so sorry you had such a difficult day. We are all here to listen when you need it.

  6. What a beautiful and heart filled post. I’m glad you expressed these feelings, as we are all here to support you. I’ll be thinking of you today!

  7. Your honesty is amazing! We’re all here for you!

  8. Hang in there, dear Beadie/Christie.

  9. C, I will be thinking of you today. This post took a lot of courage. You will get through this.

    *hugs*

  10. I know that we just “met”, but I have to tell you that this really touched my heart. Your love for your brother and your bravery in the face of your struggles, as well as your willingness and ability to write about it all just show how strong you are. Things will get better, and you have lots of people pulling for you. I hope that today will be a great day!

  11. Sorry to hear you had such a rough day. I hope writing out the post made you feel better….(((HUGS)))

  12. Wow. What a post. I am filled with emotion right now. And if I was at a point in my ED recovery in which I allowed myself to cry … I know that I would be bawling right now. My heart aches for you. Your desire to live an authentic and real life is clear and present in this post. Dealing with such raw and uncomfortable feelings is a part of life we have desperately avoided in the past, yet, this time you chose to face the emotions head on and you are such an amazing example for the rest of us who are struggling to do the same thing. Thank you for sharing.

  13. Your honesty is inspiring, so raw and beautiful. Beadie, know that you are supported and loved, never judged. It is often times so necessary to experience these things to know that what we have been doing is better, and worth it. Stay strong, and believe- keep on doing what your doing! You are a fine example of life.
    -C

  14. C, you are amazing. Please know that. I am so proud of you for sharing this story. Your brother IS with you. Right beside you, holding your hand through the rough times and smiling next to you when things are going well. 🙂

    Love you girl,
    Monica

  15. {{{Hugs}}} Stay strong!! Your candid words are truly a gift to all who reads them. I am in awe of your strenghth as well as your volnurability. When I go through hard times I try to remember to keep walking, don’t stop for too long and eventually you will get there:)

  16. Thank you for sharing that with us, I know it must have been hard considering what you were dealing with yesterday. I hope today is better for you.

  17. HUGS! I am so glad you allowed yourself to have your feelings and experience your emotions. I hope your brother visits you in your dreams again. He will come when you need him!

  18. ((Beadie)) Thank you for sharing – I know yesterday was a tough day, but know that your brother is with you and wants the best for you. In everything.

  19. So sorry yesterday was a rough day! Hugs!!

  20. I am sorry. We are always here to listen.

    Your mistep is understandable and i think you’re right that it does not mean you will never move beyond this. No one is perfect and you’re working so hard.

    I hope today is better.

  21. This post is so open and raw and sad and beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain which no one can take away from you. That song makes me emotional everytime I hear it, so I can’t even comprehend how it must make you feel. You are so amazing and to be able to be so honest about what you’re going through is inspiring. You will get through this and I hope today is a better day for you!

  22. HEY BEAUTIFUL I REMEMBER THAT DAY ALL TO WELL. BUT THOSE TEARS ARE FROM GOD TO CLEAN YOUR SOUL. HE GIVES THEM TO USE SO THAT WE CAN GREAVE. IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. I KNOW THAT YOUR FAMILY IS A VERY BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE. AND I KNOW HE WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU. HE WOULD BE SO HAPPY. AND REMEMBER HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AND THAT GOD IS STILL THERE TO TALK TO. HE IS THERE WITH HIM AND IS IN ALL OF OUR HEARTS. I LOVE YOU AND I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU.

    YOUR GIRL ALWAYS
    BETH ANN

  23. I agree with Caroline – your honesty is truly inspiring. I’m glad this community can provide you with an outlet to write about your experiences – good and bad. I know I’m a broken record, but we’ll always be here to listen when you need us!

  24. I’m sorry! I am sorry about your loss.
    Thank you so much for telling your story and I think you have an admirable attitude about ED.
    I can relate so much to what you say. My eating habits and ways of dealing with tough emotions are so similar to yours, but you are able to write about your experiences so accurately and well, I really look up to you!
    Thanks again!

  25. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  26. What an amazing, open and sensitive soul you are. Thankyou for sharing your healing journey.

  27. I’m so glad you shared this Beadie. Your words are so honest and WISE. I love you!

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