Chocolate on Bread

I had a long hard emotional day yesterday. Ever since I started the group therapy, my obsession with the scale and my appetite have increased. I experienced the same thing a couple years back when I started seeing my regular therapist. I think what happens is that all of the issues of the past become so “in my face” that I just wanted to push them back down.  Though I am learning new coping skills that don’t involve eating, food is still one of my very best friends. The kind of friend that is there through thick and thin, the kind of friend that has caused heartache as well as the greatest joys.

I started the day on the scale. It showed me a number that I really didn’t like even though it was only slightly higher than the day before. Of course, in all honesty, it was to be expected with my love for chocolate and dessert lately.  After my “weigh in”  I grabbed my cafe au lait and tried to pretend that my battle with scale didn’t exist. I went to work as normal and ate a normal “healthy” breakfast. I had greek yogurt with berries and granola.

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Things became tricky around lunch time. I was feeling really wiped out when The Pro offered to pick up lunch from Panera. Feeling depressed and tired, I wanted something comforting. I ordered the tomato and mozzarella panini

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with creamy tomato soup. Once it arrived, though it was slightly cool, I devoured it with no regard to how hungry I was.

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Feeling stuffed, I wanted some chocolate. I bought this dark chocolate orange bar

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at the grocery store over the weekend and it was calling my name. I took one bite and it tasted heavenly. It was then that I saw the leftover baguette.

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I had only taken a bite and dipped it into my soup while I was eating lunch but it was calling my name. I wrapped a couple of squares of the chocolate in the bread and proceeded to finish off stuffing what I could down. By then end, I was miserably stuffed. I wanted to cry, even looking back on it now brings tears to my eyes. I got through it by chatting with my friend Sarah on Gmail and for a little while, my negative feelings subsided.

After work, I had a date with the dear husband at the gym; the plan was to run for 40 minutes on the treadmills. I got on the treadmill and started a 5 minute warm-up followed by about 7 minutes of running. I couldn’t do it anymore. My mind wouldn’t let me. I slowed down to a brisk walk and finally made my way back up to running for about 2 minutes. After that, I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I slowed down to a stroll and finished out the 40 minutes. Had the dear husband not been right beside me, I would have bailed after that 7 minutes of running. It felt so frustrating because, lately, running has been a freeing, mind clearing release for me and in those moments, it was mental torture.

We left the gym and came home to make dinner. I made orange peel tempeh from a recipe I found on Sally’s Blog. I made the sauce over the weekend and assembled it all last night over brown rice. It was way too spicy, I ended up not measuring the rooster sauce and over did it big time. I could only eat a couple of bites before calling it quits. The dear husband was a trooper and finished off his serving.

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I was still hungry. I decided that the safest thing for me to have was popcorn. I air popped a batch and we headed upstairs to watch Brothers and Sisters on the computer. We normally DVR it but for some reason, it didn’t record this week. Once the show was over, I found some leftover chocolate covered sunflower seeds from our wedding and proceeded to dive in.

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At the same time, I grabbed my copy of Eating in the Light of the Moon and sat down. Thankfully, reading the stories calmed me down. Enough so that I only ate a couple of tablespoons of the seeds. It felt good to finally stop eating but I am still ravaged with the shame of it. I know that doing this therapy is the right thing, if I don’t face all of “my stuff” I will continue to reach for “my log” for the rest of my life. In the end, it isn’t about the food and my only way to recovery is through it.

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Lifting the Fog

I have decided that this blog needs to be a place that I can let it all go and really talk about my disorder and the road that led me to where I am today. Writing is my greatest source of comfort and I have been holding back from letting this be my place. If you are game for that, keep reading. If you only want to read about good eats and see pretty pictures, this is no longer the blog for that.

This week has been so hard on me, I think that I have been more depressed than I have been willing to admit and it has made my mornings hell. Every morning I have contemplated calling in sick and just staying in bed all day. Yesterday wasn’t any different. Needless to say, I woke up late and had the same fast breakfast as the day before. Kashi Autumn wheat with trail mix and hazelnut milk, it was good but I ran out of milk so the last few bites were kind of dry.

Thankfully, work wasn’t crazy and I was able to really get into my work and knock it all out. For lunch, I ate the staff lunch because it was salad bar day! Hooray! I loaded my plate with veggies, a small chunk of cheddar, a sprinkle of stilton blue, a bigger sprinkle of gorgonzola, a little turkey and ham and a nice drizzle of ranch dressing. It was an awesome salad.

The afternoon whizzed by and finally I got hungry right before it was time to go. I had yet another small cup of fage with a honey drizzle. So so good, I recently switched to the 2% instead of the 0% and I must say that the small calorie/fat gram difference is totally “worth it”. It is so rich and creamy and I think I have fallen in love with it all over again.

After work, I had an ever anticipated therapy session. After last week’s emotional meltdown and binge, I was really dreading therapy. I had made up my mind that I was going to dump my therapist. Lately, the relationship felt very much like a friend I pay rather than therapy. It felt very self indulgent because I really hadn’t let go of anything deep. Sure, I had touched on the subjects that cause me so much pain but I never really went to the dark places. (Thanks for the term, you know who) I always walked in and told her about the crazy day I had at work or all of the great things going on in my life. I guess I wasn’t ready to dig very deep.

Yesterday’s session was very different. I told her how I was feeling and I was surprised to learn that what I have been feeling regarding my therapy is pretty normal after seeing the same therapist for a while. She told me that from now on, we can take a different approach to my sessions. She is going to take me to the dark places instead of letting me beat around the bush by talking about my latest shopping adventures. We got started right away. She wanted to get to the bottom of the dark cloud that has been looming over me for a couple of weeks now and by gosh, with some painful talking on my part, I think we might have found the ticket.

You see, my relationship with my father had never been the “daddy’s little girl” type of relationship. Rather, it has been one filled with rage and anger. My parents were very young when I was born and I often times felt like the accident when it came to my dad. The relationship was short on love but high on abuse and alcoholic rages. And then one day, it all changed. My oldest of my younger brothers was killed in a car accident and this changed the dynamic of my family for what I am sure will be forever. My dad started flying the straight and narrow and even told me that he loved me for the very first time in my life, I was 28. But too me, it was all too little too late.

So, that is the background and so now onto the dark cloud. Last weekend, that dinner we went to with my family was a celebration for my dad. A celebration for him being voted into their church as a Deacon. It was my dear husbands idea for us to go down and celebrate this momentous occasion in his life. I thought it was a very sweet gesture from him and I also thought it was the kind of thing that I *should* want to do. So, we packed our bags and went and I resented every minute of it. I feel like it is all a big fat faker lie, a front and no one can see through it except me because the only person in my family that was ever willing to talk about how hard it was being his kid is now dead. That leaves me here, alone, celebrating what I feel like is bullshit.

So, without even realizing it, all of that compounded by the fact that Monday would have been my brother’s 29th birthday left the cloud over me and my therapist, the friend I pay, drug all of that out of me. I cried most of the session, something I have never done before. I have always been afraid to really let it all go. And instead of ending the session with a have a great week, she said “we will pick up here next week”. So, I feel better knowing that even if I am having an awesome week full of healthy food and exercise, she will take me to the dark places.

After the intense therapy, I was only a little hungry. The dear husband made an Amy’s Organic frozen cheeseless pizza and I had a peach on the side. The peach was perfectly ripe and delicious. The meal was very soothing and comforting.

After dinner, we watched “What Happens In Vegas” and ate some popcorn. I fell asleep about 30 minutes into the movie so I am not sure how it was. It started out kind of silly so I’m not really sad that I missed most of it.

QOTD: Is there a relationship in your life that you needed to change? How did you do it?

A Good Day for Napping

Again, I slept in until 7 and the first thing I did was chat with my mom on the phone. Once the dear husband woke up, I made us some 7 grain cereal that we bought at the creamery on Friday. I cooked it with soymilk, vanilla bean paste and mashed banana. Once it was done, I topped it with some homemade trail mix. I really liked the banana being cooked into the cereal instead of just being cut onto the top. The banana was warm, sweet and creamy; it was delicious.

mmmm...breakfast

mmmm...breakfast

After breakfast, we headed to Bedford, VA. We spent most of the morning walking around the center-town area where there were loads of antique shops.  I had a peanut butter and jelly mojo bar as a snack along the way, I really liked it and it will make it’s way into my usual bar rotation.

my mojo

my mojo

Around 12:30, we decided to eat lunch at a Mexican grill that was close by. We started with chips and salsa and for lunch I had mixed fajitas. This plate of food could have fed a family of 4! I filled two of the flour tortillas with the mixture of peppers, onions, steak, chicken and shrimp topped with some of the rice and beans and I still only finished about a quarter of what I was served.

fajitas

fajitas

Once our bellies were filled, we went to the D-Day Memorial. It was a very interesting place and we both learned a lot about that day in history. After the tour, we were both wiped out and decided that a nap was next up on our agenda. We made our way back to the condo and slept for about an hour and a half. I woke up from my nap really hungry and ready to make dinner even though it was only about 5:00.

I made some of the homemade whole wheat pasta from our adventures on Friday and topped with with italian sausage meat sauce. On the side we had salads with salad mix, grapes and mixed peppers topped with oil and vinegar. My eyes must have WAY bigger than my stomach because I was only able to eat about a third of my pasta though I really enjoyed it. It was very flavorful and had a nice hearty texture.

pasta

pasta

After dinner, we hung around the condo reading and watching the tv. The dear husbands foot was swollen for some reason so we decided against doing much else. It was a nice and relaxing evening. For dessert, I made some famous popcorn and shortly after, we were off to bed. Our last full day awaits us!

QOTD: Do you like to have an action packed vacation or on full of rest? I think I like a little of both.

Breakfast for dinner

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I started my work week with exercise! I woke up at 5, had a pre-workout snack of chocolate milk and then hit the treadmill. I did a one episode of SATC walk/run. I walked 3 minutes and then ran 2, it felt awesome. After my workout, I got ready for work and felt a little rushed so I had a quick bowl of cereal. I mixed some of the dorset cereal with some Cassadin farms clifford crunch and topped it with milk. The crunch reminded me of lucky charms without the marshmallows except it is all whole grain, low in calories and high in fiber. It was a good on the go breakfast but I am thinking it would make a better dessert 🙂

kid food

kid food

At work, I had a busy meeting packed day ahead. I knew that I would be in a meeting through my normal lunch time so as soon as my stomach growled, I had a snack. A repeat of yesterdays greek yogurt with raspberries and honey, only this time, the yogurt was really good instead of bitter.

greek yogurt with raspberries...take two

greek yogurt with raspberries...take two

Shortly after my snack, my meeting started and I was away from my desk for a couple of hours. When I got back, T had picked up lunch. The Pro had chosen chinese food, my least favorite of the Monday lunches. I got hunan shrimp, steamed with sauce on the side, white rice and a bowl of hot and sour soup. I ate about half the soup, most of the veggies and shrimp, about 2 tbsp of the sauce and half the rice. I actually think I ate too much because I was so hungry after my meeting, I was really shoveling it in.

Monday lunch

Monday lunch

The sauce was super hot and even though I was just barely dipping the food into it, my mouth was on fire. This turned into a major craving for chocolate. I had bought an organic chocolate bar a few weeks before and I knew it was the day to indulge. I ate about half of it and had to really consciously decide to put the rest away, it was so good.

chocolate

chocolate

The afternoon flew by, before I knew it, I looked at the clock and it was 3, almost go time! My head was killing me (damn grass) and to my surprise, The Pro walked in with a starbucks. it was a grande soy latte, my usual per The Pro. I thought having a little might help my headache so I had a couple sips. I decided against having the rest because I didn’t want to be up all night. I put it in the mini fridge thinking maybe it would be good cold later. Anyway, by this time it was time to go.

latte

latte

I headed home, with my head pounding and just wanting to get there. Normally, when I get home, I start cooking right away but I just wasn’t that hungry. So, the dear husband and I caught up on our favorite show, Army Wives, and then together we made some dinner. Because of the headache, I wanted some easy comfort food. Egg sandwiches it was! I made two over easy eggs with american cheese, a thin layer of olive oil mayo and whole wheat bread. The dear husband made salads for the side that I topped with oil and vinegar. It was a nice little meal that really hit the spot.

quick and easy

quick and easy

After dinner, we both decided that we were still hungry. I made some famous popcorn and then settled into watch the Olympics. I was off to dreamland shortly after.

QOTD: Do you struggle with eating to satisfaction when you have gone past the just hungry stage?

A Long Week Comes to an End

Finally, it was Friday. This week was filled with ups and down but I made it! I woke up in the morning with my eye on the goal: Make it to 4pm. I started the day with my typical breakfast of oats, wheatberries, bulgur and ground flax seed topped with a nectarine and almond butter. I was feeling extra hungry so I added a little extra of the almond butter. It always surprised me that the nectarine and the almond butter go together but they really do.

breakfast

breakfast

Once I got to work, I had a ton to do before T got there. It was “statement” day which means we have to send out our 500 member statements. And this operation, my friends, it totally manual. It takes a better part of the day even with two people doing it. Needless to say, it is one of my least favorite tasks. By lunch, they were off to print, which I thought was perfect timing. It was stir fry day, yay! The stir fry had little pieces of beef, cabbage, broccoli, zucchini, peppers and onions. It was served with white rice, which I took a little of. I had planned to bring one of those brown rice cups from home but in my mad dash to leave I forgot. I topped my stir fry with a little rooster sauce to give it a kick and it was great.

stir fry

stir fry

After lunch, the folding and stuffing began. It took up most of the afternoon and by 3:30, I was hungry again. I had a kashi chocolate peanut crunch bar that I really enjoyed. I think it is a toss up between this one and the chocolate caramel one. Both are very tasty and make a nice quick snack.

crunchy

crunchy

Finally, after the statements were out the door and the other month end tasks were complete, I was on my way home. I had a long stressful week and I just wanted to go home and relax. We decided to have pizza for dinner so when I got home, I popped in an archers farm pepperoni extra thin crust pizza. The dear husband made some nice salads with tomatoes, cukes and mixed greens dressed with olive oil and vinegar. After I ate my first piece, I decided to wait 10 minutes to see if I really needed a second piece. By the time it passed, I was over pizza.

pizza

pizza

We decided to rent a movie on demand which is one of our favorite things to do on a Friday night. We rented Definitely Maybe and I made some famous popcorn. The movie was pretty good, I think. It was a little drawn out and kind of predictable but overall it was cute. After the movie, we settled into bed for some tv and off to sleep I went. Saturday was just around the corner.

famous popcorn

famous popcorn

Goodbye Callie

I tell you, sometimes I wonder why life throws so many curve balls all at one time. Yesterday was a really hard day emotionally. I started out with a heavy heart about how work would feel. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I wondered how many days in row I could call in sick without being fired. I did finally get up and get ready to go. For breakfast I had my typical, hot grain cereal with wheatberries, oats and bulgur topped with almond butter and a banana. One the side I had a glass of milk.

breakfast

breakfast

Once at work, the emotions really started flying. The Pro and I had a really long talk about Paul’s death and the unfortunate circumstances behind it. Though the club was closed, a few employees rambled in throughout the day to find out any updates about the arrangements for him. Once T got to work, the mood lightenend a bit as she is a laugher and her laugh is infectous. It was a nice change from the somber mood of the early morning.

Around 10:30, The Pro said he would go out to Firebird’s and pick up some lunch. Since I knew that meant it would be late before lunch arrived, I had a stoneyfield farms low fat strawberry yogurt. It really hit the spot and held me over until the lunch came.

this should hold me over

this should hold me over

I ordered the same thing I always order from Firebird’s, a grilled salmon salad. The salad has roasted pecans, tomatoes and jicama and it comes with a cilantro lime vinaigrette. It is so tasty and even without any whole grains, it is really filling. The Pro also “surprised” us with lattes so right after lunch I had most of a grande soy latte from Starbucks. I had a raging headache and that really helped ease it up some.

lunch

lunch

latte

latte

 

The afternoon flew by and before I knew it, it was time to go. By the time I left, I had an outrageous headache again and was really ready to be home. When I got home, I made spinach salads and whole wheat mini shells with turkey tomato sauce. I had the sauce in the freezer so this meal went together in less than 15 minutes.

quick dinner

quick dinner

After dinner, we went out to run some errands and came home to some disappointing news. There were signs all over the neighborhood indicating someone had lost a pregnant calico cat with a distinctive stripe down her nose. We knew right away that the missing cat was our Callie. We had adopted her just a week prior and at the time felt sure she was a stray. She did not have a collar and she hung around for months. Once we decided that she was a stray, we started feeding her and she, of course, started to hang around more. She was in our yard constantly and we didn’t want her to be homeless anymore. So, we took her to the vet and brought her in to join our other two precious kitties.

We called the number on the flyer and got a voicemail and left a message letting them know we had her. The whole evening was so sad. I made some popcorn hoping to find some comfort, I know food wasn’t the answer but I was so tired of crying.

comfort food?

comfort food?

Around 9:30, we went to bed only to be woken at 10:30 by the ringing phone. Dear husband answered, it was Callie’s “owner”. Within a few minutes, the doorbell rang. I answered the door because I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she was always so hungry and if they intended to give her an actual home. Sadly, the man was very confrontational and he had two dirty crying children with him. He approached me as if he wanted to fight a couple of times, I threatened to call the police but he wasn’t backing down. He and I clearly have different positions on proper animal care. He was aware that she was pregnant and that she didn’t have a collar. He also admitted that “everyone” in the neighborhood feeds her. They had gone on vacation and when they returned she was missing. In the end, I gave him the cat as he was threatening me and I was very scared, he was only feet from my face and I didn’t know what else to do.

Once Callie left, I was angry and sad. I am so worried about the fate of her and her little babies. I don’t know if I have any rights at all. Though I did tell him if she comes back, I do plan to take her in again. I cried alot and finally fell asleep around 2 am. I didn’t see her this morning, I hope she is OK.

The Great Kitty Rescue (part 1)

Sorry for the delay in getting the posted, I haven’t had internet access all day! Seriously, it sucked.

 

Yesterday was not as hectic as Monday, I got up on time and the morning went by smoothly. I was able to get ready without rushing and eat without having to shovel it in. I had my typical breakfast, wheatberries, oats, bulgur and flax seed topped with a nectarine and some almond butter along with a glass of milk. I really liked the nectarine, boy I will miss these summer fruits once the weather turns colder.

mmm...summer fruit

mmm...summer fruit

 

I had a full day at work, my inbox was literally overflowing and I had a meeting that was expected to last all afternoon. I worked on one of my website project most of the morning only to discover at 11 that I hadn’t had a snack at all and I was hungry! I went downstairs to get some water and scope out the lunch situation. And to my delight, the staff lunch was chicken and veggie stir fry with teriyaki sauce and rice. I filled my plate with chicken, veggies and sauce but only took about ¼ cup of the rice. I also had a stonyfield farm low fat strawberry yogurt. It was all pretty tasty, for a staff lunch, I was impressed.

 

this is staff lunch?

this is staff lunch?

 

Before my meeting started, I was able to at least get my inbox sorted and I enjoyed my homemade cinnamon latte. To avoid stirfrycoffee breath, I popped a starlight mint that I grabbed out of the mixed grill.

 

fresh

fresh

 

As expected the meeting took most of the afternoon and by 3:30 I was really hungry. My guess is the lack of whole grains at lunch. Since I knew I was planning a quick and easy dinner, I decided to hold off on a snack.

 

Once I got home, I made some whole wheat mini shell pasta with stir fry veggie mix, fresh Hanover tomatoes and garlic. Once it was all cooked, added in some crushed red pepper and crumbled goat cheese. I added a little of the pasta water to make it saucy and then topped with a few more crumbles of the goat cheese. It was pretty tasty but I think I overdid the crushed red pepper.

 

is there anything better than goat cheese?

is there anything better than goat cheese?

We had planned that after dinner we were going to rescue a little kitty that has been hanging around our house. We started feeding her and of course she started coming by more regularly. We were worried she might belong to someone else or that she may have kittens somewhere but once we started feeding her, she never left the yard. So, we decided we were going to rescue and adopt her. We called the vet and they told us to make an appointment and to rescue her just before it came. The appointment was set and we had it all planned out.

 

Well, the bad news is that when we got home from work she was not around. We searched the neighborhood, called for her and asked around. She was no where to be found. We finally gave up around 8:45 and I made us some of my famous popcorn for dessert. It is air popped yellow corn and while it is coming out of the popper, I drizzle it with walnut oil. Once popped, I sprinkle on some salt and granular fructose and shake it all around. It is such a nice balance between salty and sweet and the crunching really helped calm our nerves about the missing kitty. Shortly after popcorn, we headed off to bed.

 

famous popcorn

famous popcorn

 

I didn’t see the kitty this morning before leaving  but the good news is that dear husband did and he got her! YAY for kitty rescues!! I promise to post pictures of her as soon as I can.