Another Binge

I started the day with chocolate cafe au lait again, for those who asked a cafe au lait is half coffee and half hot milk and I just add whatever flavoring I like. For the chocolate ones, I have been using TJ’s sipping chocolate which is much richer and less sweet than regular hot chocolate. Breakfast ended up taking much longer than I thought so I had a couple of hard boiled eggs to hold me over.

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My official breakfast was bulgur porridge made with milk and a dash of salt. I topped it off with a sprinkle of cinnamon and half of a banana. I didn’t like this as much as I had thought I would, I think I like bulgur in savory dishes much better.

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For a mid morning snack,  I had this little tangerine. Citrus fruit is really the only reason I like winter at all 🙂

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For lunch, I was trying to use up some leftovers so I had a piece of roasted chicken and some corn chowder. The corn chowder was NASTY so I only had a couple of bites.

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It went pretty downhill from there. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to try to “legalize” nutella, which in the intuitive eating world means to get rid of the “good” food and “bad” food mentality by making all foods legal. One of the ways to do this is to stock up on the foods that you consider bad and continue to remind yourself that you can have that food anytime you want. Well, for me, nutella has been the food that time after time, I end up binging anyway. And it happened again yesterday.

All weekend long, I had been thinking about Thanksgiving and how I needed to do my best to stay on track so that I could enjoy Thanksgiving without guilt. I developed a fever yesterday afternoon and was feeling pretty crappy. In my mind, I wanted a piece of bread with a nutella smear on it. Well, since I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t feel like heating up any of my frozen bread so I hit the jar of nutella with a spoon instead. I grabbed a bag of crackers and plopped down on the couch. I had a couple of the crackers with the nutella and eventually put the crackers down and just ate right out of the jar with the spoon. I polished off about 2/3 of the jar before all of the sugar caught up with me.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch and when I woke up, I felt terrible guilt about what happened. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my mind. First and foremost, who can I give all of this nutella to, I still have three unopened jars. Secondly, what would have happened had I just pulled a roll out of the freezer, heated it up and had it with a little nutella smear, would I have been able to stop? Another thought was about how this binge wasn’t like any of the others. Yes, I did sit there very aware of the fact that I “shouldn’t” be eating the jar of nutella but it wasn’t fast and furious as they typically are. I wonder if I was feeling deprived because I kept thinking about Thanksgiving and how weight watchers allows for any foods but not in unlimited quantities. This binge was so different than any other, I really wonder why.

My excessive nutella intake caused me to not get hungry for dinner until very late. I had been cooking pinto beans all day in order to make bean burritos for dinner. So, when I felt even the slightest bit of hunger, we ate dinner. I had the beans that I turned into re-fried beans wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla topped with a sprinkle of cheese and salsa. I ended up not eating very much of it because I was only mildlyhungry when I started. I also had a huge glass of grape juice in hopes that it would fight off my fever, yet another anti  weight watchers maneuver. 

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Thought Provoker: Do you binge? What are your triggers?

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10 Responses

  1. Stay strong, Christie!!

  2. sorry to heard about that…I know how terribly feelings come after a binge. believe me, I’ve been through all these. And my best advice is keep doing what you’ve been doing…. occasional binge is okay as long as it doesn’t defeat you from your willingness to keep on track.
    be strong!

  3. ah christie, so sorry about the nutella incident. i’m here for you; fight it babe!

  4. I am so sorry you went through this! Please don’t be hard on yourself. Put it behind you and keeping moving forward. Also, be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are sick and you can’t heal if you are stressed.

    side note: I always eat way too much when I am sick, because nothing satisfies me and then I end up eating bad stuff trying to looks for that satisfaction. Maybe not feeling well played into what happened.

  5. Sorry to hear about the nutella incident, but please take it easy on yourself! It’s okay for things to not go perfectly all the time, including eating habits. It’s okay that you ate more Nutella than you would have liked. You acknowledged it, which is good, but try not to stress about it. Today is a new day, tomorrow is a new day, and so on. Just because you didn’t handle the situation yesterday the way you would have liked doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to handle it in the future. I think that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just look at your posts – there is always a world of wisdom in them and you are so insightful and have determination and inner strenghth. Stay strong! We’re here for you!

  6. I’m so sorry sweetie. 😦 I definitely binge. I think very few of us are immune. It’s horrifying. I actually did it this wknd. Ew. I try to buy foods that are tempting, too, but it usually backfires on me so I have to just not do it.
    Thanksgiving is scaring the shit out of me! Let’s e-mail this week!

  7. My triggers are purely emotional. For me, there is a difference between indulging and binging. Indulging to me is treating myself to dessert once in a while while out to dinner. I sometimes binge when I’m having a bad day though. That means half a bag of goldfish crackers when I normally don’t eat them at all! Avoiding triggers is key for me. I have been going to the gym and that keeps me feeling good.

    I have never tried Nutella, but I hear it’s like crack in a jar! 🙂

  8. oh no, so sorry… i’m not much help as I’ve been very bad of late. very bad 😦 but this weekend i think i turned a corner (i hope so!!) one day at a time. yesterday does not dictate how your day will go today or tomorrow or the next! enjoy the family time and take solace in the good things that surround you

  9. I’m so, so, so sorry that this happened. It’s never fun when a binge happens. I had them when I was anorexic as my body’s way of compensating for starving myself, and I always felt horribly guilty during/afterwards.

    But the thing is…they go away. With the emotional work you’re doing, they’ll go away eventually. You’re here blogging, and that’s a step, and so is going to therapy. You’re already lightyears ahead of those who binge but do nothing to get out of the cycle. My heart is with you right now because I know it sucks, and if you ever need to talk, you have my e-mail.

  10. From my intuitive eating days I remember its important, if not vital, to eat exactly what you are feeling like. You felt like a smear of nutella on bread not just nutella and so you were ‘missing’ something which could have lead to the binge.

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