I’m Going Back

Yesterday was a hard day for me, mentally. After much thought, I have decided to join weight watchers again doing the flex plan. I hope this doesn’t let you all down but I strongly feel that this is what I need right now. I feel like I keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back which is leading me to gain weight at an insane rate. I was doing fine with intuitive eating until my therapy intensified and as I suspected, I started packing on the pounds as soon as therapy got hard again. I feel like right now the work of intuitive eating and the work in therapy is just too much and that growing too big for my clothes on top of that is just unbearable.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow, after counting points for the day, I will change my mind. But as of this moment, I need to try this and see how it feels. I do promise that if this leads me to feel hungry or to start binging, I will stop the diet…er…lifestyle change. I still plan to write my blog and work on the things that I need to work on in order to find my own happiness. I hope you all will understand and keep reading and being the wonderful system of support that you have been thus far.

{{{HUGS}}}

Old Habits Die Hard

Yesterday did not start off on a good note. I weighed myself and the number was above my “comfortable fat  weight”. Only by a pound but still not a number that I am comfortable seeing. As I look back on  the past month, I know why my weight continues to rise. I have turned intuitive eating into permission to eat whatever I want again. I also bailed on exercise on most days. This month I was filled with depression and anxiety and food is my greatest source of healing. Even if it only makes me feel better for a few moments, those moments are better than none.  I only had a few “happy” days though my therapy was productive and I developed some good coping skills.

When I saw the number yesterday, it set me up for failure. This is why I only weigh myself once per month, it has such power over me. I knew in my logical mind that I had gained weight without getting on the scale because of the choices I had been making. But still, I decided to punish myself and step on anyway. And as a result, the same thing happened that always happens when I don’t like the number. A food festival. No dosha balancing, no intuitive eating, no anything but letting the disordered eating mind rule. And while shoveling it in my mind tells me that I will start a diet as soon the “last supper” eating is through.

When I look back on the day, I realize that I have had many many many many “last supper” eating days that have been much much worse on the calories end of things but it isn’t the calories that bother me. It is the mindset and the disordered thought processes. I wish that I could look at my eating and exercise patterns and tell myself that this is a result of being taught that me and my feelings weren’t important. This is a result of not learning the coping skills needed to get through day to day life. Eating is the only coping skill that I know through and through. It is the only one that I can turn to and feel those few moments of pleasure. Well, sometimes, I do think to turn to a bottle of wine but then I might end up just like the person that led me here. So, I settle into the chocolate cake and ice cream and wear my suit of armour to protect myself from having to deal.

I often wonder, what does my fat get me? It gets me to a place that feels shameful about who I am. It gets me to a place that makes me feel safe from abuse. It gets me to a place that makes me feel like I won’t be hunted for my feminine wiles. It gets me to a place that tells me that at this point it is OK to just eat it all because it doesn’t really matter any more, anyway. In my eyes, my fat suit protects me from being hurt but the internal harm is so much greater than having to shop in the big girls section. It causes so much hurt to hear the comments people make and the assumption they hold dear because I am not a size 2.

I sit here now as I type this with the tears pouring down my face preparing to face another day in this world. It hurts so much that I have created a world for myself that just hurts and hurts and hurts. Why don’t I look at the bright side of things more often? Why can’t I see that I have a wonderful, supportive dear husband? Fabulous friends that love me for who I am and see through the fat to the inside of a person who just wants to be loved? A beautiful home that is the envy of the neighborhood? A sporty little car that carries me to my well paying job? The girl that has every material need that she could ever wants but really is just in search of that one thing to make it all whole. Love and acceptance.

Because none of this is actually about the food, I won’t be posting what I ate yesterday. Like I said, looking back my choices weren’t really all that bad and calorie wise, I probably only ate a little more than I truly needed. What this post and this whole blog IS about is my healing and a small glimmer of hope that my pain of writing this out and letting it be free into the world will help someone who struggles just like me.

I hope this whole post will thought provoke.

Funky Sunday

I woke up yesterday and started with a snack. I knew the dear husband wanted to sleep in and I didn’t want to wait that long for breakfast. I had a pear and a heaping spoon of cashew macadamia nut butter. This was my first time with this nut butter and I must say, I liked it. The cashew flavor outweighed the macadamia but it was still delicious. Once the dear husband was awake, I made pancakes and eggs. I topped my portion of pancakes with apple butter instead of syrup and I must say, I really enjoyed them that way!

Hours and hours passed before I got hungry again and I can’t even really call it hungry. It was more like munchy, I was in a real funk for some reason and couldn’t get myself out of it. I made some popcorn for the dear husband and I to share and then some baked tofu. I used Gliding Calm’s rub and let it marinade for what I guess was too long. The tofu did not get crispy at all, it was really soft and fluffy. I think the key to the rub must be just brushing it on rather than letting it marinade. None the less, the taste was fabulous and I will use this recipe as a go to in the future.

By the time dinner rolled around, I still wasn’t feeling hungry, just munchy and I didn’t feel like cooking. I asked the dear husband if he preferred frozen pizza or grilled cheese and he chose grilled cheese. So, I made us both a couple of sandwiches and called it dinner. I ended up giving him most of my second one as it still wasn’t doing it for me.

After dinner, I thought some ice cream would make me feel better so I had a small bowl. It still didn’t do anything for me, so I just went to bed. Boo Hiss on funk days.

Thought Provoker: All day yesterday and a little this morning, I have been letting the diet mentality really creep back into my mind. I keep telling myself that starving myself and depriving myself is not the answer to cure my funk. How do you keep the diet mentality at bay?

Food, Food Everywhere

I slept in until almost 7 yesterday and when I woke up my stomach was roaring for food. I take this as a sign that I have not been eating too much the past couple of days. My thoughts have really been going there since I started the mini meals thing; I have even thought of counting calories. I have been mentally calculating calories for each mini meal and it is starting to get to me. I started mini meals to get my blood sugar back under control and already I can tell a huge difference. I never guessed that it would make me fear the foods I was eating or want to diet. The fear is that by eating so often, I could really easily eat too much and gain weight.

When I think about it logically, I know a few things to be true. If my mini meals had too much food in them, I wouldn’t be getting hungry every 2 to 4 hours. I would not be feeling the lightness I have felt the past few days and what happened at “lunch” yesterday would be constant, but more on that later. I have mainly been eating foods with low energy density so naturally, I would feel fuller on less calories rather than the other way around.  I have had enough experience with yo yo dieting to know that my brain is just going into overdrive with my new patter of eating. I know that I don’t have it all figured out yet and that I still need to learn the right balance of food for my body. I do feel sure if I can keep the logical side of my brain going, that I can stick with this and be a much happier, healthier person as a result.

Ok, now lets go back to my roaring stomach yesterday. It was growling so loud that I knew it wanted food and it wanted it then. There was no time to leisurely enjoy my coffee or to check my email and write my blog. I made myself a bowl of shredded wheat and bran with a banana, walnuts and plain hemp milk. I think I could probably eat this combo very day, it sounds plain and simple but it really is delicious.

The rest of the morning was spent blogging, doing laundry and grocery list writing. About 9:30, I started roasting Brussels sprouts in anticipation for my next meal. By 10:30, they were done and I was hungry. I had a leftover chicken, gouda and apple sausage from Whole Foods and Brussels sprouts. I actually started out with more sprouts on my plate and decided I was done after about 6 of them.

Once I was finished eating, we headed to the farm stand and then to the grocery store. We had really stocked up last weekend so we really only needed fresh veggies. From the farm stand we bought local kale, potatoes, apples, tomatoes and jam. From the grocery store, we bough banana, acorn squash and romaine lettuce. After shopping, we came home and did more laundry, does the laundry ever end?

When it was time for my next meal, I made made salmon salad from a Paula Deen recipe. I made it with canned wild Alaskan salmon, I used half greek yogurt and half olive oil mayo instead of all mayo and I added a little chopped cherry tomatoes. I served mine open faced on a slice of toasted whole grain local bread with a couple of pieces of crisp romaine. It was delicious and super filling, I know I ate way too much because I felt heavy afterwards. I have gotten used to the feeling of being light and not feeling the food so it felt rather unpleasant. The really strange part is that it wasn’t really alot of food.

A little more laundry later, the dear husband and I headed out for a walk to enjoy the beautiful fall day. We did one loop around our neighborhood plus we did a couple of the cul-de-sacs twice; it took us close to an hour. It was a lovely day and I really need to take advantage of the lovely weather while I have it so I will probably be doing walks more outside instead of on my treadmill. After our walk, we watched Without a Trace on the DVR. I made us both a cafe au lait and had an honest foods farmers trail mix square. It was just the thing to tide me over until we went to Sarah and FJ’s little get together.

We got to the party around 7 and I dove into this right away…

Baked Brie with apricot jam that Sarah made herself! She served the brie with crusty white bread and I had my fair share without a doubt. I also had a couple of triscuts with a cheese dip. Once dinner was served, I wasn’t very hungry any more so I took tiny portions of what I really wanted. I started with a little mac n cheese, the best roasted potatoes I have ever eaten along with a small piece of a lovely roasted savory acorn squash.

I ended up going back for seconds of the mac n cheese, it was pretty slammin. After dinner settled, it was time for dessert. Sarah made pumpkin muffins with white chocolate chips and cream cheese frosting. These were so good, I had one plus a tiny piece of the one she made for her sister, Mady, with nuts. Though I like nuts, I really enjoyed the one without the most.

Lots of laughs later, we hit the road. It was getting late and the dear husband had a really long run looming. Once we were home, I hit the hay right away. I’m getting to old for this party stuff!

QOTD: Do you eat breakfast as soon as you wake up or do you wait a little while? I try to eat within an hour of waking but lately, my stomach has been demanding food right away.

Caddie Shack

Yesterday, my breakfast was exactly the same as Thursday except for the nuts. I just enjoyed it so much, I wanted to give it another go. It was Kashi Autum Wheat with a banana, walnuts and soymilk. A nice simple breakfast.

Thankfully, work was much less crazy! I sent T a picture of the new kitty and she said we had to come up with a golf name for him since he was rescued from the course. So, she shouted Bogey, then Birdie and then Caddie. As soon as I heard Caddie, I knew it was the one. I sent the dear husband google chat and he loved it too! So, Caddie the Kitty is his name.

Caddie

at play

For lunch, I wanted soup and sandwich because the staff lunch was not appealing at all. I asked chef about the soup selections and I was once again none too impressed. So, I settled on a grilled ham, cheese and tomato sandwich on whole wheat with a small salad on the side. When it came, it also had a house made pickle on the side. The pickle was a bit spicy for my taste but the sandwich rocked! He cooked it over the wood chip grill so it had a lovely smokey flavor that only comes from that kind of grill.

Late in the afternoon, I had a fage with honey to hold me over until dinner with our friends. For dinner, we met Sarah and Francis at Elephant Thai in a little town close by to our own. We started with spring rolls with peanut dipping sauce.

And then a warm cozy bowl of Tom Yum soup, I ate only the mushrooms, lemongrass, cilantro and broth. I had asked for shrimp but somehow got chicken.

My main course was my all time favorite, noodles of the drunk with tofu. This wasn’t my favorite version of the dish as it was not spicy at all and it was bit greasy for my taste. In spite of all of that, the essential flavors were there and I still enjoyed it.

After dinner, we wanted some dessert and decided to go to Friendly’s. T, from work, had told me that if you want to have a pig out fest on ice cream, this was the place. So, we piled into the car and made our way. I ordered the brownie sundae with birthday cake ice cream. It had a brownie, the ice cream, caramel, chocolate sauce and whipped cream. I have to say, we had debated between Friendly’s and cold stone and I later wished we had picked cold stone. The quality seemed a bit sub par and it didn’t knock my socks off the way cold stone or my local place does. 

Things like this make me feel guilty for indulging, I’m not sure why but if it doesn’t live up to the food fantasy in my head, I get racked with guilt. By the time I got home, all I could think was that I would need to spend three hours on the treadmill to wipe out the damage that the ice cream had done. I guess, for me, it goes back to only eating the foods I truly enjoy. Next time, I will say, what the heck, lets take the extra 10 minutes to go to the awesome place.

Once we made it home, it was my bedtime so after a little cuddle time with Caddie, I went to bed. I tried watching some of the debate but as always, the politicians just talk in circles and I get pissed so I switched the channel to TLC and went off to dreamland.

QOTD:I used to feel guilty about everything I ate that wasn’t “healthy”. Now, my guilt is becoming less and less as I work on accepting myself and my size. I can enjoy ice cream or a few squares of chocolate without beating myself up but sometimes the guilt makes it’s way in. Do you have moments where you feel guilty about things you have eaten, what do you do in those cases?

Diet Thoughts

One of the things I have been avoiding writing about recently is probably the one thing that I should be writing about the most.  For the last week I have been ravaged with thoughts of starting a diet. I have gained a couple pounds over the top of my “comfortable fat” weight. I woke up yesterday with these thoughts stronger than ever. I toiled over ways to cut calories without dieting. I racked my brain for ways to explain to my readers that I was going to start a diet. And I eventually moments before eating, I decided that if I wanted to start a diet, I didn’t have to do it right then. I proceeded with breakfast as usual. I had muesli that I had made the night before with Bob’s Red Mill Old Country Style Muesli, greek yogurt and a splash of milk. I topped it with a banana and a little honey.  It was really tasty and satisfying.

muesli

Work was much calmer than it had been and I was able to work at a nice pace without panic of not getting it all done. Before I knew it, I looked at the clock and realized that I was about to miss the staff lunch. I knew it was salad bar day and I had two choices, run downstairs RIGHT THEN or wait 10 minutes and have to PAY for lunch. OK, clearly I chose the less expensive option. I ran downstairs and found the picking to be slim, there was just enough left for me. I filled my plate with lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, cukes, grilled chicken, a little egg salad and a little chicken salad. I asked the chef intern for a slice of wheat bread and some of that delicious ponzu dressing and I was on my way. A hearty and filling lunch.

salad bar day

Shortly after lunch, I had about 4 sips of my homemade latte but I had been having some fluttering in my chest all day and that seemed to make it worse so I didn’t finish it.  ***Edited to add: The fluttering in my chest is related to an ear infection, I believe. Not heart related at all, the fluttering was in the upper part of my chest near my throat. End of edit*** G came upstairs around 2 and wanted to break chocolate and today, I was in the mood for it. I had a little less than half of a frozen snickers bar and it was really good. It had been years since I had one!

kers

The afternoon flew by and it was time to go home in what felt like minutes. Once home, I heated up some beef and bulgur casserole and steamed some asparagus. I topped the asparagus with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, garlic and salt and pepper. It was a fantastic meal, it was comforting and delicious.

comfort food

After dinner, we just kind of hung around and watched some television. I went to bed early because I knew a long day was ahead of me at work. At least it would be Friday.

Chocolate Cake and Vanilla Ice Cream

Yesterday was a long day. I woke up feeling fantastic. I was full of engery, I felt light on my feet and ready to face the world. Which was good because we had a full and busy day planned. I started my day with a  bowl of hot grain cereal (wheatberries, oats and bulgur) topped with a fresh virginia peach and some almond butter. I also had a glass of milk on the side. I was nervous that the almond butter and the peach would not “go” but it was actually mighty tasty.

peachy

After breakfast, dear husband and I headed out for a long walk around the neighborhood. We did a loop around ours and the one across the street plus a couple extra times in some cul-de-sacs to make a 5 mile walk. My legs were really tired after that! After a shower and a banana, we headed out for the day.

perfectly ripe

We had a couple of errands to run before lunch and by the time we made it to lunch we were both pretty hungry. First we stopped at one of our favorite local places and it was closed. We aren’t sure why but they are no longer open on Saturdays or Sundays and they are only open during the week at lunch! I guess it will have to stop being one of our favorite places 😦 . We ended up at The Villiage Grill, which is another one of our favorites around town. It is a little tiny diner that has really great fresh made food. We both ordered a vegetarian sub and an order of sweet potato fries to share. The veg sub has american, provolone and jack cheese, marinated sweet peppers (totally what makes the sub), onions, lettuce, tomato and italian dressing all served on a toasted wheat sub roll. The sweet potato fries have something secret sprinkled on them. It is something sweet and savory at the same time. I know for sure cinnamon is involved but that isn’t all. I’ll keep ordering then until I figure it out so I can make them at home 🙂 . The lunch was so good and we remembered why we normally share one sub between the two of us, those things are huge! I ate a little more than half the sub and probably 10 or 12 sweet potato fries.

doesn't that look good?

 

what is that sprinkled on there?

After lunch we went to the shopping mecca of our own little world, Target. We got our lattes, of course, I got a tall soy latte and he got a grande caramel frappuchino. I bought three new workout outfits suited for hot hoga and that met my $100 quota so I was good. After Target we headed to the bookstore for a book for dear husband and then off to our nieces 13th birthday party we went.

an afternoon pick me up

The birthday party was at a gaming center with lots of odd looking teenage girls and dear husband’s family. Before a round of putt putt we had some birthday cake and ice cream. It was chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and a little cup of vanilla ice cream. Dear husband and I shared much to the disliking of dear husband’s mom. For a 13 year old’s birthday party, I thought the cake was actually pretty tasty. I apologize for the lack of photos (for the rest of my day) but the camera was in the car along with some awkard feelings about taking photos of my food in front of dear husband’s family.  I will have to build up to that one. We played one round of putt putt and the sun was beating down on us like no other. We both ended up with sunburn and I ran out of water half way through so I thought I might thirst to death.

After putt putt, we went to dinner with the family and I was exhausted, my legs were killing me and I was starving. This would be one of those times when my decision making skills regarding food aren’t the best. An area I really need to work on. We ended up at Ruby Tuesday, which for a chain, it has a nice salad bar. I ordered the mini trio and the salad bar. It is three mini burgers, one beef, one turkey and one crabcake. They were about the size of a silver dollar pancake and in all honesty, they weren’t that great. I have had the crabcake sandwich in the past and it is always so tasty, I was surprised that it’s mini counterpart was not that great.  I had a couple bites of each, a few fries and my salad. I really enjoyed the salad, it had spring mix, blue cheese, edamame, dried cranberries, pumpernickle croutons and a little french dressing. After dinner, we ordered dessert. We ordered a chocolate tall cake with vanilla ice cream. I know, I know, cake and ice cream twice in one day. Something I really try to avoid and I didn’t even remember that I had eaten the cake and ice cream the first time until we had already started eating it.

This is when it gets hard and it gets really real. I had just been telling dear husband on our walk how proud of myself I was. Since I started the blog, I had dropped almost 2lbs without any sense of being on a diet. I was feeling great, making good choices and not letting my emotions rule what goes into my mouth. I hadn’t felt any guilt about my food choices and I had not let myself be over run with the words good and bad when it comes to food. The sense of accountability with the blog was helping me tremendously but I knew in the back of my mind that there was still lots of work to be done.

You see, the funny thing about the choices I made at dinner last night is that when we were playing putt putt, I was really craving a salad with shrimp on it. So much so, that I even said out loud that I wanted a salad for dinner. But in the heat of the moment, feeling so many things, I bailed on that idea and went for the burgers. Isn’t it ironic that the only part of my dinner that I really enjoyed was my salad? As I write this, I feel riddled with guilt wondering if I should eat just salads and excersie all day to “make up for” my choices last night.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset that I ate a burger and dessert because I feel that those things can fit in with a healthy lifestyle. I am upset because I let my emotions make my decision and I didn’t listen to my body.

It is times like these that the diet mentaility really kicks into overdrive and I have to remember that these things will happen. I am human, not some sort of robot that always does the right thing. Heck, I’m sure even robots break down sometimes. So, just like my yoga teacher says about meditating, there are unlimited do overs and I just need to keep moving forward and not beating myself up for straying.