Old Habits Die Hard

Yesterday did not start off on a good note. I weighed myself and the number was above my “comfortable fat  weight”. Only by a pound but still not a number that I am comfortable seeing. As I look back on  the past month, I know why my weight continues to rise. I have turned intuitive eating into permission to eat whatever I want again. I also bailed on exercise on most days. This month I was filled with depression and anxiety and food is my greatest source of healing. Even if it only makes me feel better for a few moments, those moments are better than none.  I only had a few “happy” days though my therapy was productive and I developed some good coping skills.

When I saw the number yesterday, it set me up for failure. This is why I only weigh myself once per month, it has such power over me. I knew in my logical mind that I had gained weight without getting on the scale because of the choices I had been making. But still, I decided to punish myself and step on anyway. And as a result, the same thing happened that always happens when I don’t like the number. A food festival. No dosha balancing, no intuitive eating, no anything but letting the disordered eating mind rule. And while shoveling it in my mind tells me that I will start a diet as soon the “last supper” eating is through.

When I look back on the day, I realize that I have had many many many many “last supper” eating days that have been much much worse on the calories end of things but it isn’t the calories that bother me. It is the mindset and the disordered thought processes. I wish that I could look at my eating and exercise patterns and tell myself that this is a result of being taught that me and my feelings weren’t important. This is a result of not learning the coping skills needed to get through day to day life. Eating is the only coping skill that I know through and through. It is the only one that I can turn to and feel those few moments of pleasure. Well, sometimes, I do think to turn to a bottle of wine but then I might end up just like the person that led me here. So, I settle into the chocolate cake and ice cream and wear my suit of armour to protect myself from having to deal.

I often wonder, what does my fat get me? It gets me to a place that feels shameful about who I am. It gets me to a place that makes me feel safe from abuse. It gets me to a place that makes me feel like I won’t be hunted for my feminine wiles. It gets me to a place that tells me that at this point it is OK to just eat it all because it doesn’t really matter any more, anyway. In my eyes, my fat suit protects me from being hurt but the internal harm is so much greater than having to shop in the big girls section. It causes so much hurt to hear the comments people make and the assumption they hold dear because I am not a size 2.

I sit here now as I type this with the tears pouring down my face preparing to face another day in this world. It hurts so much that I have created a world for myself that just hurts and hurts and hurts. Why don’t I look at the bright side of things more often? Why can’t I see that I have a wonderful, supportive dear husband? Fabulous friends that love me for who I am and see through the fat to the inside of a person who just wants to be loved? A beautiful home that is the envy of the neighborhood? A sporty little car that carries me to my well paying job? The girl that has every material need that she could ever wants but really is just in search of that one thing to make it all whole. Love and acceptance.

Because none of this is actually about the food, I won’t be posting what I ate yesterday. Like I said, looking back my choices weren’t really all that bad and calorie wise, I probably only ate a little more than I truly needed. What this post and this whole blog IS about is my healing and a small glimmer of hope that my pain of writing this out and letting it be free into the world will help someone who struggles just like me.

I hope this whole post will thought provoke.

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19 Responses

  1. Christie, this post was VERY thought-provoking – I’m praying that your Saturday is filled with nothing but good things so that you can enjoy your day 🙂 Hang in there!!

  2. I struggle with the same things. I have all of this opportunity, and I have overcome so many odds, only to find myself my worst enemy. I wonder if I will ever be happy.

    I wish we could go shopping or something today to just get your mind off of all of this. You are a great person, and I truly wish you were a friend irl. Take care of yourself today.

    hugs!

  3. Please know that you are a wonderful, complete person regardless of what size you are. Would any of your problems really go away if you were a size 2? No, you would just be you …. with smaller clothes.

    Reading your posts gives me the impression that you are a strong, thoughtful person with a life full of great people (your husband and friends) who care about you. I am sure you know this, but sometimes it takes a stranger to point these things out.

    I am sorry about the number on the scale and I understand your frustration with turning intuitive eating into eating whatever you want. When I read the book Intuitive Eating it was one thing I thought about myself. I hope you don’t let it get you too down.

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us. I hope you’re feeling better now.

  4. I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering right now before of the bad news from your scale. I can totally understand you because I went through this process many years ago. I wrote my story in my blog if you want to see how I overcame my weight ups-downs story. But I think the most important point in my story is the weight is just secondary to you, you are defined as a person beyond your weight. what others people say will affect you, but your inner strength must be so big to ignore them and be sure what you really are beyond what they say. Once you realize this point, I think weight will drop down naturally.

    pd: you can find my story here:
    http://balancejoyanddelicias.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-began-my-day-with-sunny-oatmeal.html

  5. I wish I could hug you in real life right now! You are a wonderful person and I know you have it in you to be truly happy.

    Much love to you–
    Monica

  6. You are such a great blogging buddy and I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you a BIG hug! Getting to know you the last few months has been a pleasure and I look forward to your posts and comments every day. Actually, your blog is the one I seek out to read first. I love your honesty and how you put it all on the table, good or bad. I really hope posting this entry was helpful for you. I know that writing things out always makes me feel better. I sincerely hope that today is MUCH better for you all around. Please know that you are wonderful, regardless of what your size might be! Lots of hugs from Ontario!! 🙂

  7. your honesty, sincerity and wisdom always blows me away. just being able to put this into words makes you far stronger than most women out there, including me. i really wish there was something helpful i could say, but i know that you know everything, and that i’m in no position to advise. it’s hard to always be counting your blessings, and let the negatives overwhelm you into self-destructive behaviours – it’s a cycle i know too well, and still have not figured out how to 100% heal from. we’re in it together.

  8. You TRULY have an incredible way with words. The way you articulate your experience is so moving and real. I wish I could hug you too. Thanks for sharing.

  9. i really hope nobody would be selfish enough to get upset ofr not posting what you ate. i 100% understand this for you is your healing place. i think its wonderful that you are able to share this on your blog, and delve deep into knowing why you binged. you really are a wonderful person, and i know that for a fact that everybody accepts you, and to some degree loves you too.

  10. I can relate to your weight and food issues. Please know that there are so many of us feeling the same way. You are not alone. Remember that you are a wonderful person and have so many blessings in your life. Take care.

  11. You are a truly amazing person, and I’m honored to know you… you’ve been an incredible inspiration to me over the last few years, and I just wanted you to know that. You’ll be that same, amazing, caring person no matter WHAT size you are!!
    ((hugs))

  12. Christie, you are an incredible woman inside and out. You typed it out right there in the post: you have a wonderful house, husband, car, job, etc…you have friends and family and bloggers that love you!

    I like what Heather said about how, even if you were a size two, would all your problems go away? probably not, you’d just be in smaller clothes.

    but i understand how frustrating the mindset can be and how hard it is to get over and around it and be happy. i hope that you have a better saturday and i’ll be thinking good thoughts for you hun!

  13. Christie,
    My heart hurts for you. Because I know how you feel. I too have spent many evenings typing on my computer with tears running down my face, trying to find an answer to why I am so sad.

    My question for you is: Would you be friends with someone who constantly told you that you weren’t good enough, and that if you gained just one pound that you are a failure? I am pretty sure you would drop that friend like a bad habit.

    To me, that is what the scale is to you. That scale is the worst friend imaginable. It tells you the most horrible things, and never has your best intentions at heart.

    I say, drop-kick that scale out the back door, and leave it for the trashman to pick up. It doesn’t know you, or know what you were struggling with all week. And then you went to visit it, and it kicked you when you were down. Who cares what that scale has to say! It’s lying to you and making you feel bad. Tell that scale to piss off, then go read all of these wonderful comments by all of your Real friends, and remember that you truly are an amazing person who helps and inspires others with your words of encouragement every day.

    And don’t give up!

    Bonnie

  14. ((Christie)), you have been doing a great job of eating intuitively. My mouth always waters when I read about the lovely meals you have. This was just a hiccup. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER be free of destructive thoughts.

  15. I admire your bravery and vulnerability so much. You are a real inspiration to me. Intuitive eating isn’t an easy thing, and I’m so sorry that you are in a rough patch right now.

    But you aren’t you hidden away in a “fat suit.” You are you. I don’t think that your friends “see through the fat,” they see and love all of you–body, mind and spirit.

  16. I totally get where you are coming from. I’m sorry you had a bad day and I’m sorry it is so hard to overcome using food to cope with life. I do it too and I am embarrassed and frustrated. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think you were really looking for advice, just a place to say your peace. Have a better day today.

  17. I am sending you big hugs! Rest assured…you have the love and acceptance of many bloggers!

  18. That sucks!!!!! I hate it when you feel so controlled by the scales. But technically a pound is NOTHING!!!. You could have had a couple of glasses of water and you would be a pound heavier. If you have only gained a pound I would say that you have maintained your weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you trying to maintain or lose weight?

    Anyway thats not really the issue. I know its horrible to feel fat and ugly. But remember its always worse for you. Know one else thinks this about you. You are eating great food and you are allowed to take some time off of exercise if you need to.

  19. hey, I relate to you so much. I have also created a world for myself filled with hurt and depression. I suffer from bulimia and after a period of months doing relatively well (only b/p maybe once a week<—-sad that that’s “good”) but have recently slipped into a really dark place where I have been going on horrible miserable b/p sessions almost every night. Nothing like facing the next day with swollen cheeks, dark circles under your puffy eyes, and an aching mouth. Actually, the worst part of the next day is feeling like a failure, like I’ll never be out of this… that it will eventually kill me if I don’t kill myself first. I am worried as hell about the damage that I have likely done to my commonly referred to as “beautiful” teeth 😦 I avoid the dentist like the plague because I worry about th money my parents would have to (be willing to, because they are amazing) cough up for repair work. They have no idea about my disorder, as I keep it a secret from everyone (except now you, and any blog readers that see this!). It’s my personal hell. Sorry to treat your blog as a diary and vent, but I couldn’t help but feel compelled to after reading your description of feelings that I am SO familiar with. But, like everyday, today is a new day, and a chance for new choices… so far so good for me, I hope the same for you 🙂

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