Lifting the Fog

I have decided that this blog needs to be a place that I can let it all go and really talk about my disorder and the road that led me to where I am today. Writing is my greatest source of comfort and I have been holding back from letting this be my place. If you are game for that, keep reading. If you only want to read about good eats and see pretty pictures, this is no longer the blog for that.

This week has been so hard on me, I think that I have been more depressed than I have been willing to admit and it has made my mornings hell. Every morning I have contemplated calling in sick and just staying in bed all day. Yesterday wasn’t any different. Needless to say, I woke up late and had the same fast breakfast as the day before. Kashi Autumn wheat with trail mix and hazelnut milk, it was good but I ran out of milk so the last few bites were kind of dry.

Thankfully, work wasn’t crazy and I was able to really get into my work and knock it all out. For lunch, I ate the staff lunch because it was salad bar day! Hooray! I loaded my plate with veggies, a small chunk of cheddar, a sprinkle of stilton blue, a bigger sprinkle of gorgonzola, a little turkey and ham and a nice drizzle of ranch dressing. It was an awesome salad.

The afternoon whizzed by and finally I got hungry right before it was time to go. I had yet another small cup of fage with a honey drizzle. So so good, I recently switched to the 2% instead of the 0% and I must say that the small calorie/fat gram difference is totally “worth it”. It is so rich and creamy and I think I have fallen in love with it all over again.

After work, I had an ever anticipated therapy session. After last week’s emotional meltdown and binge, I was really dreading therapy. I had made up my mind that I was going to dump my therapist. Lately, the relationship felt very much like a friend I pay rather than therapy. It felt very self indulgent because I really hadn’t let go of anything deep. Sure, I had touched on the subjects that cause me so much pain but I never really went to the dark places. (Thanks for the term, you know who) I always walked in and told her about the crazy day I had at work or all of the great things going on in my life. I guess I wasn’t ready to dig very deep.

Yesterday’s session was very different. I told her how I was feeling and I was surprised to learn that what I have been feeling regarding my therapy is pretty normal after seeing the same therapist for a while. She told me that from now on, we can take a different approach to my sessions. She is going to take me to the dark places instead of letting me beat around the bush by talking about my latest shopping adventures. We got started right away. She wanted to get to the bottom of the dark cloud that has been looming over me for a couple of weeks now and by gosh, with some painful talking on my part, I think we might have found the ticket.

You see, my relationship with my father had never been the “daddy’s little girl” type of relationship. Rather, it has been one filled with rage and anger. My parents were very young when I was born and I often times felt like the accident when it came to my dad. The relationship was short on love but high on abuse and alcoholic rages. And then one day, it all changed. My oldest of my younger brothers was killed in a car accident and this changed the dynamic of my family for what I am sure will be forever. My dad started flying the straight and narrow and even told me that he loved me for the very first time in my life, I was 28. But too me, it was all too little too late.

So, that is the background and so now onto the dark cloud. Last weekend, that dinner we went to with my family was a celebration for my dad. A celebration for him being voted into their church as a Deacon. It was my dear husbands idea for us to go down and celebrate this momentous occasion in his life. I thought it was a very sweet gesture from him and I also thought it was the kind of thing that I *should* want to do. So, we packed our bags and went and I resented every minute of it. I feel like it is all a big fat faker lie, a front and no one can see through it except me because the only person in my family that was ever willing to talk about how hard it was being his kid is now dead. That leaves me here, alone, celebrating what I feel like is bullshit.

So, without even realizing it, all of that compounded by the fact that Monday would have been my brother’s 29th birthday left the cloud over me and my therapist, the friend I pay, drug all of that out of me. I cried most of the session, something I have never done before. I have always been afraid to really let it all go. And instead of ending the session with a have a great week, she said “we will pick up here next week”. So, I feel better knowing that even if I am having an awesome week full of healthy food and exercise, she will take me to the dark places.

After the intense therapy, I was only a little hungry. The dear husband made an Amy’s Organic frozen cheeseless pizza and I had a peach on the side. The peach was perfectly ripe and delicious. The meal was very soothing and comforting.

After dinner, we watched “What Happens In Vegas” and ate some popcorn. I fell asleep about 30 minutes into the movie so I am not sure how it was. It started out kind of silly so I’m not really sad that I missed most of it.

QOTD: Is there a relationship in your life that you needed to change? How did you do it?

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13 Responses

  1. Isn’t it amazing how we can walk around for so long and never acknowledge those dark places that affect us every day! I am so glad you let your guard down and faced the dark places and allowed yourself to cry.

    My parents got divorced when I was around 10 and long story short…..visitations stopped with my dad and I didn’t see him for 12 years. I finally decided one day that I wanted some kind of relationship with him and made contact with him despite all the resistance from family members. I am so glad I did it. It was hard, but now we have a relationship and see each other at least once a month. I am so happy I have at least one dark place I know longer have to avoid!

  2. I think if I were to go to a therapist, I’d be the same way. I just don’t feel comfortable talking about issues, but mostly because I have a mindset where I ignore things and pretend they don’t exist.

    Well, more like I don’t care. Who knows? Maybe I don’t let myself care for a reason.

  3. Yes!!! Christie, your blog SHOULD be the place to do that – writing is very therapeutic, and it’s wonderful to read your story.

    I’m praying that the upcoming weekend brings nothing but positivity and happiness for you – please hang in there!!

  4. Christie, thank you for being so honest with us. I am so glad you had a break through at your session yesterday. And I think it’s great you are using this blog to let it all out – it is really hard to keep things bottled up inside all the time. Please know that we are always here for you if you need us!

  5. What an honest and truthful post. I think you should definitely share this on your blog, especially if it serves as recovery. I can’t imagine going through all of that… my mother has gone through something similarly, though at an older stage in her life… and I see how much it hurts her. I’m sorry. I’m at a loss for words.

    I am sending good vibes your way. I really do hope you feel better.

  6. There are plenty of blogs with pretty pictures of food. There aren’t enough where people tell their real story, that share their bare souls with us, and make the rest of us realize that we’re not the only ones out there who are dealing with dark places.

    Bravo, Christie. I’m glad your session went well and I’m glad you were able to unearth your feelings.

    I also have some beef with my father, and I’m trying to work through them so that my daughter can have a grandfather who loves her without complications and weirdness. It’s a journey, but it’s progressing.

    Hugs for you,

    Monica

  7. Christie! Please know that I will probably never stop reading your blog! Even from the beginning, when it wasn’t as personal, I’ve always really enjoyed your writing style….and I think it’s wonderful that you are now using this as a place to improve your health both with mind and body. Thank you for your honesty, and I’m so proud and happy that you are digging deeper. It’s always a process….

    Now I just can’t imagine how hard things have been for you lately. …hearing more of the background of your story. I’m so sorry about your brother and how hard his would-be birthday was for you. Wow…it really was such a rough week for you. You are a tough cookie.

    Please know that your readers care about you and are here for you! Remember that….and keep your head up!!

    And I think it’s awesome that you were able to cry during your session. Sometimes a good cry can just feel amazing, you know?

    Hope you have a great Friday and a relaxing weekend!! And I’ll be rooting for you and hoping the mornings get easier and easier. And pooey on running out of milk. And yay for salad bars.

    TAKE CARE!!!

  8. Christie, thank you so much for opening up. Being a part of your life and having the joy of hearing your words and providing support is something I never thought I’d get through a flog. I really appreciate your willingness to look at those shadows and go inward.
    It sounds like you’re ready to do some difficult but much needed worth with your therapist – GOOD FOR YOU. I’m glad you feel safe with her and that you could assert yourself in the therapy room! I’m not sure if you identify this way, but I know as a people pleaser, I tend to do what I think other people want me to do and it can be hard to stand up for myself.
    It sounds like you have transcended from really difficult circumstances. Do you know how rare that is? You must have such a strong, determined spirit. It’s amazing that you’re doing as well as you are and in a loving relationship.
    YAY!
    Thanks for letting us in so we can be a part of your healing.
    Oh yeah – your meals look great! 🙂
    You’re such an awesome person.
    P.S. The relationship I need to change is the one with myself. And I’m working on that with my T! 😉

  9. Christie, you are a brave girl and I admire you for that. I think you write a fantastic blog and I look forward to reading it each day.
    My Mom and I have always had a strained relationship. I have always felt (knew) that she treated me much differently than my brother & sister and it was frustrating that she would never admit that. She was always so much more critical of me. Funny enough, she finally said the words to me just today..”I know I was much harder on you….” Finally! The words I needed her to say out loud for years. I feel like I can actually have some closure on that issue now.
    Keep up the great blog….and it will be great no matter what you choose to write about!

  10. God, what you blogged must have been so cathartic. I’ve always been skeptical of therapists, though I’ve never missed an opportunity to self-diagnose my own neuroses. A few years back I went to a therapist twice, and I really felt like she was telling me crap that I already knew. So I fired her.

    I’m glad you are now able to take your relationship with your therapist to the next level. It makes me hopeful that when my husband and I attend marriage counseling next month for the first time, it may be a good thing. We’ll just have to stick with it, i guess.

    I like that your blog is real. Yes, I like the pretty pictures, too, but I want to read about your ups and downs. That’s how we all get to know each other and support each other. I’m glad to have your blog in my life.

  11. I am in awe of you right now. It’s hard enough to be open and honest with your readers, but it sounds like you’re being honest with yourself and that’s the really hard part.

  12. Christie, thank you for being willing to open up and share such an intimate part of your life with us. If anything, it has made the bond between your blog and your readers even stronger! We all can appreciate a real woman who goes through real issues and has real emotions, because we’ve all been there. Maybe not in the same situation exactly, but we can all relate somehow. I think you are an incredibly strong and brave person and that taking the opportunity to share your thoughts on your blog is a wonderful way to release some of the stress that can build up in a situation such as yours.

    I’m still working on my relationship with myself. Fortunately, I have blogging buddies like you to inspire me and motivate me to work a little harder 🙂

  13. Christie I think it is GREAT that you are sharing your thoughts about your eating patterns. I find talking about that stuff very therapeutic too and feel I have made some good progress with my disordered thinking around food. So go for it Ill be watching closely.

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