I have decided that this blog needs to be a place that I can let it all go and really talk about my disorder and the road that led me to where I am today. Writing is my greatest source of comfort and I have been holding back from letting this be my place. If you are game for that, keep reading. If you only want to read about good eats and see pretty pictures, this is no longer the blog for that.
This week has been so hard on me, I think that I have been more depressed than I have been willing to admit and it has made my mornings hell. Every morning I have contemplated calling in sick and just staying in bed all day. Yesterday wasn’t any different. Needless to say, I woke up late and had the same fast breakfast as the day before. Kashi Autumn wheat with trail mix and hazelnut milk, it was good but I ran out of milk so the last few bites were kind of dry.
Thankfully, work wasn’t crazy and I was able to really get into my work and knock it all out. For lunch, I ate the staff lunch because it was salad bar day! Hooray! I loaded my plate with veggies, a small chunk of cheddar, a sprinkle of stilton blue, a bigger sprinkle of gorgonzola, a little turkey and ham and a nice drizzle of ranch dressing. It was an awesome salad.
The afternoon whizzed by and finally I got hungry right before it was time to go. I had yet another small cup of fage with a honey drizzle. So so good, I recently switched to the 2% instead of the 0% and I must say that the small calorie/fat gram difference is totally “worth it”. It is so rich and creamy and I think I have fallen in love with it all over again.
After work, I had an ever anticipated therapy session. After last week’s emotional meltdown and binge, I was really dreading therapy. I had made up my mind that I was going to dump my therapist. Lately, the relationship felt very much like a friend I pay rather than therapy. It felt very self indulgent because I really hadn’t let go of anything deep. Sure, I had touched on the subjects that cause me so much pain but I never really went to the dark places. (Thanks for the term, you know who) I always walked in and told her about the crazy day I had at work or all of the great things going on in my life. I guess I wasn’t ready to dig very deep.
Yesterday’s session was very different. I told her how I was feeling and I was surprised to learn that what I have been feeling regarding my therapy is pretty normal after seeing the same therapist for a while. She told me that from now on, we can take a different approach to my sessions. She is going to take me to the dark places instead of letting me beat around the bush by talking about my latest shopping adventures. We got started right away. She wanted to get to the bottom of the dark cloud that has been looming over me for a couple of weeks now and by gosh, with some painful talking on my part, I think we might have found the ticket.
You see, my relationship with my father had never been the “daddy’s little girl” type of relationship. Rather, it has been one filled with rage and anger. My parents were very young when I was born and I often times felt like the accident when it came to my dad. The relationship was short on love but high on abuse and alcoholic rages. And then one day, it all changed. My oldest of my younger brothers was killed in a car accident and this changed the dynamic of my family for what I am sure will be forever. My dad started flying the straight and narrow and even told me that he loved me for the very first time in my life, I was 28. But too me, it was all too little too late.
So, that is the background and so now onto the dark cloud. Last weekend, that dinner we went to with my family was a celebration for my dad. A celebration for him being voted into their church as a Deacon. It was my dear husbands idea for us to go down and celebrate this momentous occasion in his life. I thought it was a very sweet gesture from him and I also thought it was the kind of thing that I *should* want to do. So, we packed our bags and went and I resented every minute of it. I feel like it is all a big fat faker lie, a front and no one can see through it except me because the only person in my family that was ever willing to talk about how hard it was being his kid is now dead. That leaves me here, alone, celebrating what I feel like is bullshit.
So, without even realizing it, all of that compounded by the fact that Monday would have been my brother’s 29th birthday left the cloud over me and my therapist, the friend I pay, drug all of that out of me. I cried most of the session, something I have never done before. I have always been afraid to really let it all go. And instead of ending the session with a have a great week, she said “we will pick up here next week”. So, I feel better knowing that even if I am having an awesome week full of healthy food and exercise, she will take me to the dark places.
After the intense therapy, I was only a little hungry. The dear husband made an Amy’s Organic frozen cheeseless pizza and I had a peach on the side. The peach was perfectly ripe and delicious. The meal was very soothing and comforting.
After dinner, we watched “What Happens In Vegas” and ate some popcorn. I fell asleep about 30 minutes into the movie so I am not sure how it was. It started out kind of silly so I’m not really sad that I missed most of it.
QOTD: Is there a relationship in your life that you needed to change? How did you do it?