Chocolate on Bread

I had a long hard emotional day yesterday. Ever since I started the group therapy, my obsession with the scale and my appetite have increased. I experienced the same thing a couple years back when I started seeing my regular therapist. I think what happens is that all of the issues of the past become so “in my face” that I just wanted to push them back down.  Though I am learning new coping skills that don’t involve eating, food is still one of my very best friends. The kind of friend that is there through thick and thin, the kind of friend that has caused heartache as well as the greatest joys.

I started the day on the scale. It showed me a number that I really didn’t like even though it was only slightly higher than the day before. Of course, in all honesty, it was to be expected with my love for chocolate and dessert lately.  After my “weigh in”  I grabbed my cafe au lait and tried to pretend that my battle with scale didn’t exist. I went to work as normal and ate a normal “healthy” breakfast. I had greek yogurt with berries and granola.

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Things became tricky around lunch time. I was feeling really wiped out when The Pro offered to pick up lunch from Panera. Feeling depressed and tired, I wanted something comforting. I ordered the tomato and mozzarella panini

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with creamy tomato soup. Once it arrived, though it was slightly cool, I devoured it with no regard to how hungry I was.

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Feeling stuffed, I wanted some chocolate. I bought this dark chocolate orange bar

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at the grocery store over the weekend and it was calling my name. I took one bite and it tasted heavenly. It was then that I saw the leftover baguette.

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I had only taken a bite and dipped it into my soup while I was eating lunch but it was calling my name. I wrapped a couple of squares of the chocolate in the bread and proceeded to finish off stuffing what I could down. By then end, I was miserably stuffed. I wanted to cry, even looking back on it now brings tears to my eyes. I got through it by chatting with my friend Sarah on Gmail and for a little while, my negative feelings subsided.

After work, I had a date with the dear husband at the gym; the plan was to run for 40 minutes on the treadmills. I got on the treadmill and started a 5 minute warm-up followed by about 7 minutes of running. I couldn’t do it anymore. My mind wouldn’t let me. I slowed down to a brisk walk and finally made my way back up to running for about 2 minutes. After that, I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I slowed down to a stroll and finished out the 40 minutes. Had the dear husband not been right beside me, I would have bailed after that 7 minutes of running. It felt so frustrating because, lately, running has been a freeing, mind clearing release for me and in those moments, it was mental torture.

We left the gym and came home to make dinner. I made orange peel tempeh from a recipe I found on Sally’s Blog. I made the sauce over the weekend and assembled it all last night over brown rice. It was way too spicy, I ended up not measuring the rooster sauce and over did it big time. I could only eat a couple of bites before calling it quits. The dear husband was a trooper and finished off his serving.

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I was still hungry. I decided that the safest thing for me to have was popcorn. I air popped a batch and we headed upstairs to watch Brothers and Sisters on the computer. We normally DVR it but for some reason, it didn’t record this week. Once the show was over, I found some leftover chocolate covered sunflower seeds from our wedding and proceeded to dive in.

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At the same time, I grabbed my copy of Eating in the Light of the Moon and sat down. Thankfully, reading the stories calmed me down. Enough so that I only ate a couple of tablespoons of the seeds. It felt good to finally stop eating but I am still ravaged with the shame of it. I know that doing this therapy is the right thing, if I don’t face all of “my stuff” I will continue to reach for “my log” for the rest of my life. In the end, it isn’t about the food and my only way to recovery is through it.

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15 Responses

  1. Looove the close-up shots of the yogurt and the chocolate-covered sunflower seeds!! So many stunning colors!!

    Hope you have a better day today!!

  2. I love that panini from Panera! Sorry to hear your dinner was too hot! Bummer.

    Here’s to a better day today…..we all have “off” ones here and there! 🙂

  3. Hang in there. I believe you are doing the right thing by going to therapy. It’s good to learn what your triggers are and to learn new coping skills. Give it some time. We all have those days!

    As far as the running goes, I’ve been there too. Running was always my “Heather” time and I loved it! But, some days…ugh, it was such a chore. Not every run will be great, but hopefully most will be better than others. 🙂

    Have a good Tuesday…smile. Thank you. 🙂

  4. I know yesterday was hard — like Heather said, we all have those days when one thing leads to another and the fact that you’ve eaten so much already opens the door to keep going until you feel sick. But you’re addressing what you’re going through and taking steps to feel healthier and better about yourself. You can check yesterday off the list because it is done, phew!! TODAY IS A NEW DAY!!

  5. p.s. chocolate stuffed inside of bread sounds sooo good — like a homemade version of pain au chocolat!

  6. (((Beadie)))

    Today is a new day – Sarah is right!

    You are doing great things for yourself – that’s all that matters. All of us have weird, crazy, bad, happy, insane days. You always have a great attitude, no matter what happens, and I think that is an amazing thing to have.

  7. Oh sweets, I am sorry you had a rough day. I would imagine that this kind of theraphy is designed to make you confront the issues that are most painful in your life. It has to get better, right? Keep reaching for your log, don’t be too hard on yourself!

    – Heather

  8. Hey Beadie. So glad you are back. Reading this post really increased my heart rate and I didn’t look away once. I am so glad tha tyou are open and sharing about this too. I remember my days of feeling out of control eating, and always turning to food. You can overcome this. I support you!That book is amazing, btw.

  9. and remember…. “its never too late to start fresh”…..

  10. I’m so sorry Christie. Ugh, therapy can really bring up some crap, right? I have a book that you might be interested in. Let me know. I love you.

  11. I hope today is better! I’m glad the chatting helped 🙂 The group book looks really interesting. I looked at snippets on amazon. Now to see if the library has a copy.

  12. I’m so sorry that you had a rough time. Thank you for your comment on my post – it made me feel better. I totally know what you mean about how talking about certain issues can make everything worse. I suppose (and hope) that it’s the “worse before it gets better” and that all will work out soon, Christie.

    I heart Panera!

  13. Sorry to hear about your bad day, but you got through it! It’s great that you are learning new coping skills, but try not to be so hard on yourself when you turn to food as comfort. It’s hard to go from one coping skill to another overnight. You are making great progress, but progress also takes time, probably even more so when you are faced with a lot of stress and are facing all your issues all at once. Be kind to yourself – you’re doing great!

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