Feel My Feelings?

Whoa. Did I ever oversleep yesterday. I grabbed my coffee and got ready as fast as I could. I ended up getting to work about 10 minutes late but, besides The Pro, I am the first one there anyway, so it didn’t really matter.  I was super excited about my breakfast. I talked with Lee about her overnight oats so I gave it a try. I used Bob’s Red Mill Muesli and milk and put that in the fridge overnight. Once I was at work, I popped it into the microwave for a couple of minutes and I had perfect oatmeal without any oatmeal explosions. I topped it off with mixed berries, flax seed and a PB spoon.

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Lunch was an unexpected treat. T offered to go pick up sushi from a new place. I jumped all over that one and from her recommendation, I ordered a Happy Roll

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and a sweet potato roll.

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The happy roll made me very happy indeed. It was tuna, avocado, spicy sauce and crunchies. The sweet potato roll was a little undercooked but it was still tasty. I think this place will be our new fav because it is much cheaper and we both really enjoyed the happy roll. The afternoon was productive and when 3:30 rolled around, I hit the door running. I got home and felt a little hungry so I had a few grapes to hold me over.

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For dinner, I made eggs in purgatory again. I overcooked them again but we did enjoy them a little more because I served them over creamy polenta instead of brown rice.

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On the side, we had garlicy green and yellow beans with an olive oil drizzle.

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After dinner, I made my way to group therapy. This week, we focused on chapter 7, Feelings, in Eating in the Light of the Moon by Dr. Anita Johnston. What a loaded topic this was. I, along with everyone else in the class, felt really uncomfortable with this topic. Avoiding my feelings is what I have done my whole life, how am I supposed to all of a sudden start feeling them now? I even avoid feeling happy by sabataging myself with guilt and anxiety. It feels easier to just feel depressed, anxious or sad than to explore the array of other emotions. Obviously, that isn’t working too well for me but it was really hard to be told to intellectually just feel.

We all agreed at the end of the session that we felt worse than when we walked in. Why is it that just talking about trying to feel is hard? I think it is because I have so many unreconciled emotions that I’n not ready to feel my present life. Or maybe, it is easier to feel anger at my boss for a tiny little thing than to actually feel all of the anger I have stuffed down with food. Ah, a loaded topic, I tell you.

When we left, I was able to connect with a couple of the ladies in the group and it felt nice to talk about ED with a real live person as a friend instead of as a client. I’m surrounded by people that I view as normal eaters and it kills me that I am the screwed up one. Having someone relate felt so good, I hope that we can expand these conversations and become better friends.

By the time I got home, I was ready for bed. I fell asleep quickly which I think is a good sign that even though this is hard, it is good.

I can tell you what I am feeling right now, I feel that you all should get on over to Mara’s blog to enter her 100th post giveaway, I assure you, you want to win this one. And don’t forget, time is running out to enter my Country Bob’s All Purpose Sauce giveaway!

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18 Responses

  1. (((Beadie)))

    I hope you make good, lasting friendships with those ladies – it will be nice to have some other people that are in the same place you are.

    And you’re not screwed up 🙂 Yay for eggs in purgatory 🙂

  2. Eggs w/ polenta sounds delish!

    New sushi place? yay!

    I’m glad therapy went well even though it was difficult. way to go! 🙂

  3. It’s great to be surrounded by people who are going through the same issues. I hope your new friends become lasting ones!

  4. Wow.. What honesty…what clarity!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have done a great job (I must say I did like the photos and I LOVE sushi!) Lets go have some one of these days, hey, maybe our last night of group we can go out and celebrate (or cry) Love and blessings to you,F

  5. I’ve never had a sweet p roll, sounds awesome!

    I tend to have the same issues regarding “feel”ings. I either talk over or around them and distract until they dissapear, but trust me they just wait 🙂
    I like to think of them like our muscles working out. Take the abdominals, they will latch on to whatever is stronger around them to avoid work. Hence the back pain we sometimes feel. Funny, right?
    Good luck with this, it’s all about practice! 🙂 Your luck to have such a great support system!

  6. Christie,

    Frances passed your info along to me. I hope to stay in touch as well. Like you, I do not have many people I can relate to in real time. And the day-to-day support from a professional is limited.

    You are an amazing writer. I can’t wait to read more of your blog. Thanks for being so open and honest.

  7. If nothing else, you have great support from blogland! The fact that you attend therapy is huge in the first place, IMHO.

    I love your pics of grapes! They make me happy. That is what I am feeling right now. 🙂

  8. What do you think of that book? I read it several years ago and loved it!

  9. Your oats are so beautiful!!!I have never read that book-I’ve heard a/b it b/f though. I would love to know what you think of it. I wish nothing for the best of you w/ the group-you are a very strong person!

  10. Kristin, thanks for coming by my blog!!

    Meg and Kate,

    I think that the book is a good tool for recovery. I read it before and didn’t really take much of it with me but in conjunction with this group, I am really storing some of the pieces in my brain. I feel optimistic that recovery is possible.

  11. I am sure it is going to be a long journey to get to the point where you are comfortable with ALL of your feelings, both good and bad. Hugs!

    I think seeing your sushi made my decision on what to do for dinner tonight!

  12. It is really interesting that its SO hard to talk about feelings… I’m glad you’ve been able to connect with people!

  13. It’s true. It’s pretty hard to name them, too.
    The happy roll made you happy indeed…very cute!

  14. More sushi, yum! And the berries on those oats look purdy.

  15. Hi Christie! I read chapter 8 and it is great. The assignment is kinda hard, but interesting. I had 2 pieces of Boston Creme pie today standing up but I didn’t PURGE so this is a good thing. Funny thing is, I ate it cuz dictator voice in head said “EXERCISE!” and little girl voice said “I don’t want to right now” so the easy way out of this inner conflict was to eat. Later I exercised anyway. You KNOW I have to do that cardio for 45 min or my life will fall apart …or will it????????? THAT is the question. See you soon, F

  16. I liked reading your blog and appreciate your honesty in what you write. Not sure if I could do that. I’ll see you tonight in group. Secret- I didn’t do the drawing my feelings thing. I did write some stuff today. Not good with homework :(.

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