Hunger as a Metaphor

Ah. Normal Blogging Behavior, I’m so glad to be back. I am still pretty sick but am doing well enough to function. A couple of days ago, it took all I had to make myself a glass of juice and now, I am back into my normal routine. I really do believe that being sick is my bodies way of telling me that my down time was needed…right now. I plan to take it pretty easy the next few days so that I can be full force pretty soon.

Now, onto yesterday. I went to work late due to reports of ice on the roads so I decided to have breakfast at home. My appetite has been really off for a couple of days now and what I wanted was kinda strange. I had a chocolate vitatop with a peanut butter smear

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and a glass of grape juice.

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Not a normal breakfast by any means but it did the job and I made it all the way to lunch without feeling hungry. Around 11, I was feeling hungry so I had the chef make me a salad with ranch dressing on the side. I normally just do oil and vinegar but for some reason, I wanted ranch. I ended up eating about 5 bites of the salad before I had enough.

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I also had a boca spicy “chicken”  patty on a sandwich thin with blue cheese dressing.  This was my first time EVER cooking these things in the microwave an I must say, I don’t recommend it. It was really chewy and hard, once again, I didn’t eat all of it.

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I had a really busy afternoon and didn’t have time for my usual snack before therapy so I had a chocolate coconut chew larabar in the car. Once I got there, we talked about my mayonnaise jar, being sick and the exciting news that since starting Body Pump, I have lost inches off of my waist and hips. I had talked with Brandi about taking measurements and I am so glad I did. Even when the scale stays in the same spot, it IS nice to see the inches falling off. It is also nice to see muscles developing in my arms and legs.

After a relatively light conversation with my therapist, time was up and I had a date with the dear husband at Ukrops. I had group so we had to do something really quick for dinner and Ukrop’s is less than a mile from the therapy office. Somehow, I temporarily lost my camera and didn’t get to photograph what I had but for the record, I had half of a dynomyte roll, half of a veggie roll and a few bites of strawberry salad with whipped cream. I also had a few sips of this vitamin water that I took a picture of once I found my camera.

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After dinner, I made my way to group. We went through the session and I sat there thinking that it wasn’t doing anything for me the way past sessions had. We were focusing on Chapter 5 and 6 from Eating in the Light of the Moon by Dr. Annita Johnston.  We went through a guided meditation that led us through the sensations, the colors and the voice of hunger. Then, we were to draw what we visualized and, of course, discuss it with the group. I drew my stomach with faint signals, then louder signals and then screams. The screams were the words now now now and it was then I realized that my hunger IS a metaphor as the book suggests.

We had much discussion about what our emotional hunger is asking us for and then a discussion about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. I realized that the second level of needs, safety, is a need in my life that was never met until I met the dear husband. Security is a feeling I have longed for since my first memory. No wonder I bounce around trying to fill all these voids with tons of friends, new “identities” and food. The session came to a close and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to cry. I could feel the emotion welling up just under my eyes. I wanted to burst into tears so I said to the group “Am I the only one that wants to burst into tears?”. A couple of the women agreed that they felt it too and I told them that if I felt that way at home, I would be binging in a matter of moments.

That overwhelming feels that I can’t identify comes over me often and last night I realized what it is. Well, not exactly what it is but I can put my finger on the feeling. The feeling is fear. I could list for you the reasons that I think I am a disordered eater and some of those things are really scary to think about. But, I have identified that those things happened to me and I have been doing the work needed to deal with them. This is where the fear comes in.

I have very few memories of childhood; I can count on one hand how many I have. The fear is that if the things that I DO remember are so terrible, what is it that I am not remembering. What am I pushing so far down with food that I can’t even recognize it? This leads to such strong mixed emotions. Do I really want to remember it all? Maybe it is really nothing. I already feel immense guilt for being “screwed up” and that I should just suck it up and get over it. Or like one group member put it, a shitty childhood is just a cop out.  The fear of adding something else to that list leads me through life with a nutella spoon in my mouth.

So, it started out pretty lame-o and ended up being the most intense session yet. I feel like I am at a turning point now, like life as I know it is about to change. It is going to take some time and some intense therapy to get to the bottom of that fear but I will get there.

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10 Responses

  1. Love the close-up shot of the VitaTop with PB – food porn!! 😀

    Hang in there with the therapy sessions; and I hope that you feel 100% better soon!!

  2. Glad to hear that the group therapy is really helping you out. You must feel some relief from that.

    Vita top + PB sounds a-mazing! 🙂

  3. Woah, congrats on the awesome results of your hardwork! I’m glad you are taking notice, regardless of the scale. It definitely helps you realize that it is not about the number, and more about how you feel in your clothes, etc! Must be new muscle taking shape 🙂
    Hang in there with the therapy, it sounds like your doing exactly what you need to. All in due time! Take care, and have a wonderful day- feel better!
    -Caroline

  4. I am SO glad you took your measurements 🙂

    Sounds like a good session – I totally understand the fear thing. I have some of the most irrational fears now based on things that happened a few years ago that I had no control over. Yet, they rule parts of my life and my thoughts and my actions. It’s kind of crazy how one emotion can take over everything before you know it.

  5. Yeah for being at a turning point and yeah for losing inches! I am a total believer in measuring over weighing!

  6. I think you’re really right about hunger as a metaphor. I never thought of it that was before, but that makes so much sense. Thank you!

    Congratulations on losing inches! I used to do Body Pump back in my old city, and that workout definitely does amazing things to your body.

  7. I was actually just at a seminar this past weekend where they were talking about disordered eating and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Interesting to hear how you also used ti in your therapy.

    And it’s always nice to have some sort of tangible measure of your success, like loss of inches 🙂

  8. V. intense! I’ve not heard the connection between Maslow and disordered eating.
    Great job on everything and keep feeling better sister!

  9. I had a pretty bad childhood and though I remember some good times and some bad, I don’t have a whole lot of memories either.

  10. vitamuffin and pb … one of my very favorite combos!!

    you’re doing so much hard emotional work, ahhh. it’s great that you’re feeling ready to dig up the things from the past that are going to help you now … a big step!

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