Yesterday was a momentous occasion for me. I woke up and got on the scale for the first time in a long time. Since August 1st, I have gained one pound and I am, ironically, happy about it. Even three months ago, a gain at all would have sent me into binge mode. But now, just a couple short months later, it somehow feels different. The main reason is because in my first adventure of trying to eat intuitively, I gained 15 pounds in just a short couple of months. I thought that intuitive eating meant I could eat whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted it. I would curl up with a jar of nutella and loaf of bread most nights and exercise was rare.
Now, I eat whatever I want when I am hungry and exercise when I want. My relationship with food is far from “normal” or “healthy” but it sure is getting better. I have even decided that I need to try to eat more cleanly with less sugar because my hypoglycemia is coming back. Probably because in the past couple of months, I legalized ice cream and chocolate. By eating those foods that were always forbidden, I learned that I actually do feel best when I eat them in moderation rather than all day. I would have never learned that had I kept depriving myself.
There is one food in my life that I still have not legalized, my old friend nutella. There is something about nutella that beckons me. It shouts my name until I have eaten the whole jar and feel sick to my stomach. Now, maybe I am ready to buy some without feeling drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Only time will tell but one thing I know for sure is that I am changing. Sure, I gained a pound doing it but it was worth every bite.
Speaking of bites, lets talk about the food for a bit.
I woke up REALLY late yesterday, I had been up all night with nausea and by the time I really got to sleep, it was almost time to get out of bed. When I did get up, I was in an insane hurry and had a bowl of Tj’s Twigs, Flakes and Cluster high fiber cereal topped with walnuts, a banana and plain hemp milk. For a high fiber cereal, I must say, it was pretty good. I am not sure of the sugar content but plan to take a closer look at that tomorrow.
Work was really busy since it was the first of the month. Once again, in one day we have to send out 500 member statements and close the books. It is a stressful time at golf world. While we were stuffing the statements, I at a peanut butter cookie larabar. It was good but I think I am over the texture of larabars and find myself longing for a KIND bar.
The statements were done just in time for lunch, we have really gotten into a rythm with them and are able to get them out much faster these days. For lunch, I asked for a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich on wheat and a small bowl of soup. The soup that came was the most fowl smelling thing I have ever smelled. It was lamb curry stew, barf. Needless to say, I did not eat it and only ate the sandwich. Thankfully, it was really tasty.
After lunch, I really buckled down and met the rest of my deadlines. I left on time and stopped at starbucks before my therapy session because I was pretty hungry and knew it would be a while before dinner. I got a tall decaf latte and sprinkled cinnamon on top.
I am so glad I decided to get the latte because my therapist was running a half hour behind! This session was much less intense than the past couple of times. I reflected on the positive changes that are happening for me as a result of the intense therapy. First and foremost, my rekindled relationship with my treadmill and yoga. As well as, my ability to guiltlessly (is that a word?) buy a new fall wardrobe because last years was too small.
We did touch of the subject of my relationship with my dad. It dawned on me while I was talking that my expectations are just too high; I have had a fairy tale in my head about being daddy’s little girl. The reality is that just being able to sit in a room, alone, with him would be a major improvement. At this point in my life, it feels very uncomfortable to be alone with him. Having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. It hurts and I just want to scream.
I have an intense fear that he will pass away before I can forgive him and move on. I feel that if he were to die tomorrow, I would have intense regret making my existing pain worse. I want to be at a place of peace with him. A place that allows me to let in the love his has been trying to give me since my brother passed. A place that makes me happy and proud to say he is my dad. A place of forgiveness.
Wow, maybe my therapy was more intense than I realized.
Ok, back to the food.
Once I got home from therapy, I heated up some taco soup from the freezer and had it over barley. I skipped the toppings because I didn’t want to overdo it on dairy since I knew a greek yogurt would be in my future 🙂
For dessert, I had a greek yogurt with agave nectar. Agave has a lower glycemic index than honey so I am making the switch, again. It has a lovely light flavor that is comparable to honey, just not as sweet. I’d be very interested in learning to bake with agave!
After dessert, I was off to bed. It had been one heck of a day!
QOTD: Do you have a food that you fear because you tend to over eat it? What can you do to overcome it?
p.s. I have no idea what happened to all of my pictures, I think my camera ate them.