Looking Back

Yesterday was a momentous occasion for me. I woke up and got on the scale for the first time in a long time. Since August 1st, I have gained one pound and I am, ironically, happy about it. Even three months ago, a gain at all would have sent me into binge mode. But now, just a couple short months later, it somehow feels different. The main reason is because in my first adventure of trying to eat intuitively, I gained 15 pounds in just a short couple of months. I thought that intuitive eating meant I could eat whatever the hell I wanted whenever the hell I wanted it. I would curl up with a jar of nutella and loaf of bread most nights and exercise was rare.

Now, I eat whatever I want when I am hungry and exercise when I want. My relationship with food is far from “normal” or “healthy” but it sure is getting better. I have even decided that I need to try to eat more cleanly with less sugar because my hypoglycemia is coming back. Probably because in the past couple of months, I legalized ice cream and chocolate. By eating those foods that were always forbidden, I learned that I actually do feel best when I eat them in moderation rather than all day.  I would have never learned that had I kept depriving myself.

There is one food in my life that I still have not legalized, my old friend nutella. There is something about nutella that beckons me. It shouts my name until I have eaten the whole jar and feel sick to my stomach. Now, maybe I am ready to buy some without feeling drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Only time will tell but one thing I know for sure is that I am changing. Sure, I gained a pound doing it but it was worth every bite.

Speaking of bites, lets talk about the food for a bit.

I woke up REALLY late yesterday, I had been up all night with nausea and by the time I really got to sleep, it was almost time to get out of bed. When I did get up, I was in an insane hurry and had a bowl of Tj’s Twigs, Flakes and Cluster high fiber cereal topped with walnuts, a banana and plain hemp milk. For a high fiber cereal, I must say, it was pretty good. I am not sure of the sugar content but plan to take a closer look at that tomorrow.

Work was really busy since it was the first of the month. Once again, in one day we have to send out 500 member statements and close the books. It is a stressful time at golf world. While we were stuffing the statements, I at a peanut butter cookie larabar. It was good but I think I am over the texture of larabars and find myself longing for a KIND bar.

 

The statements were done just in time for lunch, we have really gotten into a rythm with them and are able to get them out much faster these days. For lunch, I asked for a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich on wheat and a small bowl of soup. The soup that came was the most fowl smelling thing I have ever smelled. It was lamb curry stew, barf. Needless to say, I did not eat it and only ate the sandwich. Thankfully, it was really tasty.

After lunch, I really buckled down and met the rest of my deadlines. I left on time and stopped at starbucks before my therapy session because I was pretty hungry and knew it would be a while before dinner. I got a tall decaf latte and sprinkled cinnamon on top.

I am so glad I decided to get the latte because my therapist was running a half hour behind! This session was much less intense than the past couple of times. I reflected on the positive changes that are happening for me as a result of the intense therapy. First and foremost, my rekindled relationship with my treadmill and yoga. As well as, my ability to guiltlessly (is that a word?) buy a new fall wardrobe because last years was too small.

We did touch of the subject of my relationship with my dad. It dawned on me while I was talking that my expectations are just too high; I have had a fairy tale in my head about being daddy’s little girl. The reality is that just being able to sit in a room, alone, with him would be a major improvement. At this point in my life, it feels very uncomfortable to be alone with him. Having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth. It hurts and I just want to scream. 

I have an intense fear that he will pass away before I can forgive him and move on. I feel that if he were to die tomorrow, I would have intense regret making my existing pain worse. I want to be at a place of peace with him. A place that allows me to let in the love his has been trying to give me since my brother passed. A place that makes me happy and proud to say he is my dad. A place of forgiveness.

Wow, maybe my therapy was more intense than I realized.

Ok, back to the food.

Once I got home from therapy, I heated up some taco soup from the freezer and had it over barley. I skipped the toppings because I didn’t want to overdo it on dairy since I knew a greek yogurt would be in my future 🙂

For dessert, I had a greek yogurt with agave nectar. Agave has a lower glycemic index than honey so I am making the switch, again. It has a lovely light flavor that is comparable to honey, just not as sweet. I’d be very interested in learning to bake with agave!

After dessert, I was off to bed. It had been one heck of a day!

QOTD: Do you have a food that you fear because you tend to over eat it?  What can you do to overcome it? 

p.s. I have no idea what happened to all of my pictures, I think my camera ate them.

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22 Responses

  1. Congratulations on having a more positive outlook, Christie!! You’ve made so much progress and have a great plan set up – I KNOW you’ll fully combat your hypoglycemia, for sure!!

    Hang in there with therapy!!

    Taco soup??? Enticing!!

    Oooh, your dessert looks so luscious!! It’s like a tunnel of yogurt & agave nectar, haha 😉

  2. P.S. – I use agave nectar quite a bit when baking – it’s a marvelous sweetener!! Here’s a particular baked good that it complements well:

    http://veggiegirlvegan.blogspot.com/2008/08/some-last-minute-baking.html

  3. P.S. – I have a recipe for Cinnamon-Agave Banana Bread that I think you might like to try, as a way to start baking with agave nectar.

  4. Smartfood popcorn [I bought the 100 cals portion bags instead of a large bag] & mac & cheese… I just give Jim most of it when I make it. I only allow myself the amount I portion out. I guess I’m trying to say the only thing that works for me is portioning out my meals.

  5. Congrats on your “ah-ha” moment and I’m glad things are getting so much better for you! that’s wonderful!

    I still have fears of certain foods but not because I’m afraid I’ll overeat, but because SOMEHOW I’m afraid they’ll make me fat…which makes me very sad that i still have that mindset after all this time of healing. But I’ve def taken many steps to eat many of the foods that I never used to eat and am still working on them today.

  6. congrats on your intuitive eating! In the past I have had the same problem, I take “intuitive eating” to mean “eat whatever/however much you want” which always leads to problems. I’m slowly getting there though…

    up until very recently I avoided peanut butter at pretty much all costs because of the high calorie and fat content and the fact that I just couldn’t keep my spoon out of the jar. sometimes i still have a problem with overdoing it, but for the most part I’ve gotten to a point where I can let myself have a little bit without going crazy. It is a long, hard process though.

  7. We have more in common than I thought…the golf scene, hypoglycemia, interesting relationships with our dads…You talking about forgiving your dad brought me back to the exact feelings I had when wanting to have a relationship after my dad was gone fo over 12 years. I was scared that something would happen to him, and I would regret not forgiving him and not having a relationship with him. It is hard, but it is possible and it takes time. I am so happy I let time, healing and forgiveness take their course, because my father and I have a good relationship now. Best wishes for your continued journey.

  8. Nutella is also my nemisis! When I was a kid we use to spread it as thick as cement on everything! My kids love it so it’s always in the house but I keep it in the back of the pantry so it doesn’t stare at me evertime I open the door!

    Lamb stew???? GROSS! Poor lamb chop…..

  9. Congrats on your progress! It’s a journey and you’re doing fantastic.

    I can’t keep ice cream in the house…no way, no how!

  10. congrats on your amazing progress– you are doing so well and the blog world is cheering you on!!! that nutella is dangerous stuff… i only tried it once at a friend’s house but it was incredible.
    my food is peanut butter. when i was a manager at a department store, working 70+ hours a week and stressed to the max (even moreso than i am right now), i could eat a jar in a couple of days. peanut butter was the star of almost every meal and even though i didn’t gain any weight, i knew it wasn’t healthy to be eating it as the source of almost all of my calories! i learned to limit my pb intake to 2 tbs per day…. it took a while, but i did it
    i have a similar relationship with my stepdad and like you, i’m hoping that i’ll be able to forgive him before it’s too late. i just want to be at peace with the situation and even though i’ll never like him as a person, i don’t want to harbor negative feelings towards him all the time. hope your therapy continues to go well!
    have a great thursday!

  11. I’m new to your blog..look forward to more of it…..I too am learning how to eat intuitively…my food nemesis is any ice cream with chunky stuff like nuts, chocolate pieces, cookies…if there’s a multiple serve carton in the freezer I can’t leave it alone..I do best to save my ice cream for an eating out treat–skip keeping it in the house..

  12. I think the key to dealing with Those Foods is to really work on legalizing them. YOU control what you eat – the Nutella or peanut butter or ice cream or cheese does not control you! It’s really important to have those foods around and let yourself eat what you want. Even if you eat the whole jar, PAY ATTENTION to how it makes you feel. You probably won’t want to feel like that again! That’s the key to intuitive eating. It’s not about eating perfectly, but being aware of what you put in your mouth and why. After awhile, you get used to having those things in the house, they lose their allure, and then they languish in the back of the fridge and you forget all about them.

    It sounds like your intuitive eating journey is definitely going well. You seem so aware of your food choices and feelings. And 1 lb – everyone’s weight fluctuates 1-2 lbs anyway!

    Am I the only one who likes lamb stew?! 🙂

  13. You should be so proud of yourself. Being able to say that not losing (or even gaining) weight is well worth it for a healthier more joyful relationship with food is such a huge accomplishment. Things only go up from here!

    As for personal trigger foods, I used to be terrified of french bread because I could eat half a loaf in one sitting, no joke. There were times in my life when I swore I would never touch white bread again under any circumstances. It’s still not an everyday food for me, but I’ve learned to enjoy it in moderation. It helped me to eat it with other food and on occasions where other people will help me finish the loaf so that temptation is short lived.

  14. I am so happy for you! It’s great that you are getting to a better place with food and weight. It’s hard!

    I have a hard time limiting the amount of cereal I eat. I try to only have it for breakfast and if I am bringing it out of the house i.e. with yogurt for lunch.

  15. What an incredible feat! Good for you Christie.
    We have therapy on the same day. 🙂 I think of you on Wednesdays.
    My fear food list is long, but the ones that really get me are ice cream, trail mix, peanut butter, almond butter, candy, nutella (same same!), and chocolate. I eat trail mix and peanut butter but I have to be careful. The other stuff I can’t do.

  16. i have foods that i fear in general, like avocados and any sort of nut butter. i also like cereal way too muc hfor my own good, but know i need the carbs sometimes

  17. Fro you is a trigger food for me btu I have def gotten better. Congrats on your inspirational morning.. I dont think anything feels better than having a more normal relationship with food, especially for those of us who have had such a love hate battle with it! Therapy is the way to go too.. I had to stop for money and time reasons but during the period it opened my eyes to so manythings i was unaware of.

  18. Great post! Nutella is good with all sorts of things, and that is why, I started to become fondly in love with it myself – In fact, it resembles this Asian treat, where there are sticks of cookies and you dip them in this chocolate similar to nutella… So what did I do? dipped ancient grain crackers in nutella till the entire jar or box of crackers was done.. so, im struggling myself!

  19. big victory in your attitude, woman!

    my food? sugared cereal.
    and thus far Ive not overcome.

  20. There are probably a few foods I still have issues with, but graham crackers definitely popped into my mind first thing. I can’t open one of those little interior packages without eating the entire thing — spread with peanut butter, peanut butter and chocolate melted in the microwave, dipped in milk, plain….whatever.

  21. do you have a recipe for that taco soup!?
    it looks absolutely divine. i must have it!

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